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Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Finally Home

I finally was able to move in with the love of my life and his wonderful kids!! I wouldn't trade it for the world, even if some days are difficult! :D

E has started girl scouts, they are both in school and things are going well for us.

I finally found a suicide support group that I am interested in joining and participating in. They meet on Mondays from 6:30 to 7:45 or something like that. I'm kind of excited about finally getting help!!

Friday, July 29, 2011

New changes just around the corner

July 11 was my last blog. A LOT has happened since then!! I put in my two weeks notice at work and finished that out this last Tuesday night. Mary gave me a hug when I left and I know that at least she will miss me!! Greg told me that if I ever wind up back in Amarillo, I have a job waiting for me there! I'm hoping that I won't need that offer, but its nice to know that it still stands if I need it.

Today is Grandpa's retirement party. Everybody is coming into WD for that tonight. Clay and I are already here, and Daddy, Shareen, and all of the kids are coming in later today. the last time we talked to Grandpa, he was still in Denver. He is riding his bike back here today.

On Monday, Shareen is taking me to Sayre, OK to meet Brian. Then Brian and I are driving back to Chandler so that I can finally meet his kiddos!!!! I'm super excited!!! I talked to them last night and they both told me that they are excited to meet me! A kept telling me that he has a countdown  to when I go out there and for when school starts. 2 days now for me, and 12 for school.

Monday, July 11, 2011

"Even if it costs you to die"

I'm sitting here, listening to my 9 year old cousin, E, playing with one of his other little 9 year old buddies. They are on XBox doing the mike/headset conversation thing, playing COD. E's buddy told E "even if it costs you to die, I want to get the game winning kill." Since when do 9 year olds play games where they feel comfortable asking someone to sacrifice their life just to get more points?! My 8 and 7 year old brothers play this game too, and I don't really think that it's okay.

Last night, I was up for a while. I called Brian and we had a very good conversation about me, even if it was uncomfortable for me in some spots. It was something that he and I had to discuss and he is concerned about me. I know that we will be okay; we will work through this together. It's so refreshing to know that I have found someone who loves me enough to work with me and to love me, even on my bad days. I have no idea what I did to deserve him, but I will never let him go.

Tonight, we have the first big group therapy session since Chris died. It has been almost 6 months since he took his life, and I am just now going to talk to someone about it. Brian asked me to tell the grief counselor tonight what has been going through my head lately. I need to talk about it.

I cried so much last night. And I still feel drained, emotionally and physically. I've said about 20 words all morning, and I've been awake for almost 2 hours. I'm glad that I don't have to focus on work today. All that I really need to do is to shower, finish my laundry, and do this meeting tonight.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Megamind and my two weeks' notice

After 4 and a half months at Michaels, I'm leaving. Brian and I are finally able to move in together and we have decided to make it happen before school starts for the kiddos, which means I'm leaving in the next 3 to 4 weeks,  maybe a little bit longer. I just typed out my two weeks' notice for work today and I am going to turn that in to my boss on Tuesday. Then, two weeks later, I will be taking the bus out to OKC to meet Brian's kids. I'll return to Amarillo for a few days to pack up my stuff, and then I'm outta here!!!!!!

More later....

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

it's been a while

I feel like I haven't done anything but working a lot lately. And essentially, I have been. 

I spent Easter weekend in OK with Brian and was able to briefly meet his parents. He is coming down to visit me for my birthday this weekend!!! I'm so excited!! We still talk almost every night on the phone and I am so lucky to call him "mine". He's been talking a lot about his future plans with a business and I am so excited for him!! Things are coming along nicely for us, and for him!! 

As far as work goes, it isn't all that bad. I'm very thankful that I have a job. I am having issues with one manager in particular and I don't have much training (still), but I'm getting faster at my job. I was timing myself yesterday and I can be completely done with a frame (from start to finish) in about 20 or 25 minutes, assuming that I don't get interrupted. Because they are still having me clean the bathrooms almost every time that I close, I am getting faster at that too. I can finish both of them in about 20 minutes, when it used to take me 30 minutes or more. I'm also learning where other products in the store are, which is nice because we have a lot of customers coming in and ask us for help because we are the first people that they see. 

I think that is all of the big stuff. Oh, my little sister, T, graduates from high school this weekend. I won't be able to go because I have to work, but I'm so proud of her. She is planning on going to Tarleton State University this fall. She is going to do great things (although, I'm sure the same was said about me...and look where I am now...)

Just living and loving. 

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Please join me

as I sit on the floor!!! Sitting on the floor is one of my personal favorite "guilty pleasures" in life. At Aunt L's apartment, we don't have the room to sit on the floor (plus, it is super hard and covered in nasty dog hair). I really do enjoy sitting on the floor though. When I had my own room at college, I loved sitting on the floor and watching tv. One of my favorite things to do was watch "Glee" with Sam. Tonight, it isn't "Glee", but it is still fun sitting on the floor and watching tv.

Another one of my favorite things to do ever is watch baseball. My 9-year old cousin, E, is on a local team. Last night and tonight, Grandma and I went over to watch his games. They lost both of them, but it is still fun to cheer on a team for baseball.

Tonight, I have had the privilege to both sit on the floor AND watch baseball!!! Yay!!! I also got to talk to my Mr. Right for a couple of minutes tonight. He is going to take care of his kiddos and start some housework, while I hang out with Grandma and visit with her tonight (assuming she ever gets off the phone...it's really sad, my Grandma gets more phone calls and texts than I do). He'll call me back a little bit later tonight so that we can talk!!

PS, Subway's Orchard Chicken Salad sandwich is amazing. Just so you know. It was dinner tonight and it was super yummy!!! :D

Is anybody having trouble with friends from high school?? Or feeling lonely in general??

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Emily's Fun Words List

I love fun words. I also love lists.

And all of these crazy, beautiful, awful, wonderful emotions that I've been dealing with lately have been put on a  temporary hold for the time being (that may have been redundant, but I don't really care tonight). So, this is my fun words list...and their definitions (from www.urbandictionary.com unless otherwise noted); because what kind of word list would this be if definitions weren't included?!


  1. "Redacted": *from here -- to put into suitable literary form; revise; edit
  2. "Tacky": in bad taste
  3. "Tank": *from here -- a large receptacle, container, or structure for holding a liquid or gas
  4. "Sleazy": shabby, dirty and vulgar; often associated with prostitutes
  5.  "Gobble": *from here -- to swallow or eat hastily or hungrily in large pieces
  6. "Boggle": a fabulous game involving cube like things and an hour glass and a plastic grid. the point is to find words.
  7. "Blurry": *from here -- blurred; indistinct
  8. "Fluffy": used to describe a scene in a fanfiction that could be considered an 'awww' moment; an overused name for cats with lots of soft fur.
  9. "Yak": *from here -- a large, stocky, shaggy-haired wild ox
  10. "Frumpy": a female with lack of concern for appearance

If you doubt that any of these words are fun to say, go back through and say them out loud. Go ahead; I'll wait...
When you are now fully satisfied that these are my opinions of fun words, feel free to leave your own (and it's definition) in the comments...

Thursday, April 7, 2011

once again...

I find myself sitting at the Barnes and Noble Cafe (that serves Starbucks), enjoying a black tea lemonade (I highly recommend it).

Today was a little rough. I texted Daddy last night and he said that he went to his first "group hug session" since Chris died. I am proud of him for going, because I know that he is not the type of person who believes that sometimes people just need help; he is the type of person who wants to do everything on his own and will use counseling as a last resort. I'm proud to be his daughter, despite his own issues. Nobody is perfect, but he does what he can. Anywho, I was talking to him earlier this afternoon and I asked him how the session went. He replied with "Ok I suppose..." I told him that I was scared of going to my own group therapy session with Grandma/Grandpa, Aunt L, Aunt R, and E. The Hope and Healing Place here has been moving excruciatingly slow and I am getting tired of being patient with them. Aunt L feels the same way, I know she does. When I told Daddy that I was scared to go and why, he told me that he thought that it was a good idea to try it anyway. I was going to try it anyway. We also talked about how I handled things when I first found out on that horrible February morning.

He didn't know that I had written Chris a letter a few days later. He had no idea that I burned it so that it stayed strictly between me and Chris. He didn't know that I still write him, more now than ever. My letters to him is my own on-going conversation with my dead uncle. Sometimes, I feel silly writing them because I know that he is never going to read them. If someone where to pick up the spiral that I keep them all in (except for that first one, obviously), then I am sure they would think that I am certifiably insane. I talk to Chris in my letters as if I am sitting right next to him, just carrying on a conversation. I know that people deal with grief in their own way, but I feel like I'm doing something wrong. I think that part of the reason I am scared of the Hope and Healing Place is because they will tell me that it is unhealthy for me to continue writing to Chris. That is actually a really big fear of mine. What will I do if they tell me that I should stop?? Writing is my outlet. It's how I am able to keep some sense of normalcy in this crazy world of mine.

Yes, I do have a few people that I can talk to and not worry as much about what they think about me/what I say/feel. But what happens when they get tired of listening to me talk?? What happens when they get tired of me just breaking down and crying with no prior notice about Chris?? How will I deal with the pressure and feelings then?? People have always told me that they will be here for me, but I know that one day, I'll keep talking even 5 minutes longer than what they want to listen to, and then they'll gradually hate listening. It may be a slower process, or it may happen pretty quickly after that extended period of time; but it will happen. What then??

I haven't written to Chris yet today. And I didn't do it yesterday either. I need to do it. I guess it's a good thing that I have my Chris spiral with me and a pen. I think that letters like that should be handwritten. Plus, I like handwriting things...

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Do you know what's awesome?!

I have been looking for a job, and I found it. Awesome!!
I'm in a fantastic relationship with a loving, wonderful man. Awesome!!
I found free wifi close to the apartment. Awesome!!

These last few weeks, I've had a really hard time dealing with the suicide of Chris and "taking a break" from school. I have had my issues with depression and feelings of isolation and abandonment even. I've had to learn how to deal with all of these emotions at once and simultaneously being cautious of the feelings of the family around me. I have been super sensitive to Aunt L's feelings about Chris.

Just recently, I've really come to realize how important it is that I have my people. I was talking to Aunt L last night and it surprised me how people surprise me. Does that make any sense?! The friends that I knew would "be there" for me after Chris died and with the stuff surrounding that, weren't. Other friends really stepped up and surprised me by just listening to me. A select few have been there for me at all times of the day and night when I just needed a reassuring text or encouraging phone call. A lot of times, they didn't know what to say or what to do to make things okay again. In a situation like this, there is nothing that can be done or said to make things better. I've told them this, but they still want to help. They still wish good things for me. That is more than any of my other "friends" have done.

Even some of my family hasn't been there. I still can't talk to Daddy about it. It's almost as if Chris never shot himself. But he did. We all know it. We can't change it or fix it. It just happened.

Special thanks goes out to Brian. He has listened to me cry over Chris (and other random stuff) several times and hasn't been afraid of my feelings and what I've said.

Another special thank you goes to Melissa. We have both needed friends here lately, and I'm proud to call her my best friend. She and I know what it's like to feel isolated and alone in a town that we don't necessarily call "home".

And of course, there is Jason. We dated for a while and to be honest, I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to have a friendship after the breakup. Through lots of determination on his part (I for sure ignored him on more than one occasion), and some forgiveness on mine, we have made it work. He and I are best friends too!!

To those "friends" who talked the talk, but didn't (or wouldn't) walk the walk, I'm doing just fine. Thanks for asking. Hope your lives are better without me, because to be honest, I'm not sure I want to be back in yours. Yes, it was fun while we hung out, and you will always be a friend, but there is a reason the people from your past very rarely show up in your present or future.

And to Arturo. I don't even know what to say. I knew you would be there to help me through this time of change and uncertainty and you weren't.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

This crazy, beautiful life I love

Things have been super crazy, in a good way of course, lately. 
I got the job at Michael's. I start work tomorrow morning. 
I've met some of Aunt L's friends this week. And I've realized that she may be drinking a little more than is healthy for anyone...that's another story. 
Bea (the little puppy) has been terrorizing everything she can fit her mouth around...including L's Chi flatiron. Anybody who knows hair products know that a Chi isn't cheap. L wasn't too thrilled about Bea chomping down on that...
I finally got my library card!!! I was super excited!! 

I've been really bad at blogging lately. I hate not having a constant internet connection, but I do what I can!! 

<3

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

I GOT THE JOB!!!!!

I got a phone call this morning while Aunt L and I were in a meeting (more about that later...) and was offered the job at Michael's!!! I start on Sunday morning at 11 AM!! I'm so excited.

So the meeting this morning was getting background info on the family and the family structure with Chris and all that. Roy (the dude we talked to) told us that the family program that they have doesn't start until August and it is four and a half months long, so we can't do a whole lot with the Hope and Healing Place until then. But they did say that they are going to be open to us to use and would like it if we came to them. They are all about safety of the "clients". They wanted to make the rooms inviting and safe for everyone who walked in the door. They are also really big on confidentiality, which if they weren't I'd have a lot more negative things to say about them. I know that I need some private, one-on-one counseling, but I am really reluctant to do group therapy. I've never had good experiences in group therapy. I know that it is family, but that just makes it even more daunting. I know that I would hide what I'm really thinking and feeling just to try to somehow protect them. I'm not sure why this is a big deal to me to try to do that. I mean, we are here because we don't know how to communicate and feel free to do so. It's going to take some time for all of us to get comfortable and used to the idea of talking without reservation about Chris.

I got to talk to my Daddy today. He asked how everybody was doing since Chris died. He didn't really ask about me, but I think that it is because he knew that I was driving during our phone call and it wouldn't have been a good idea for me to start crying. He is really worried about Grandma and Ethan. We all are. Especially about Grandma. Grandma and Chris had a super strong, very special relationship that can't be topped.

It's been a good day!!

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Michael's

Thursday afternoon, I got a phone call from Joanna at Michael's craft store and she asked me for an interview. The interview was scheduled for Friday afternoon and I'm pretty sure that I got the job. I was feeling pretty confident about the interview after Joanna and I were done, and apparently she felt the same way. The store manager, Greg, bumped back another interview/appointment in order to complete mine first!! That can only be a good sign, right?! And they talked about doing background checks, so I'm definitely in the running for this job!! I'm so excited that I might actually be getting a paycheck soon again!! I definitely need it...

In other news...there really isn't much other news. Except I've been consuming greater quantities of Dr. Pepper and hot dogs. This is because at virtually every corner, there is a gas station that has 44 oz. cups and Dr. Pepper at the fountain. All of it for 79 cents. Yeah, I've had a Dr. Pepper every day for the last week and a half. And the hot dogs...well, there is a REALLY GOOD hot dog stand downtown, on Polk Street. OMG. Their "Downtown Dog" is to die for. Plump juicy hot dog, covered in jalepeno chili, onions, and cheese. It is quite literally, in explosion of wonderful in your mouth. :) It's that good. The down side is that they are only open M-F for lunch and Fri & Sat nights from 9pm to 2:30am.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Change is a good thing, right?

I have finally moved. I am out of my Dad's house and semi on my own. I am still looking for a job, but I have sent out many many applications and I'm hoping that a few of them call me back soon. I'm waiting on mail to come in so that I can get a library card and start using that resource.

Brian and I are doing fantastically well. We still haven't seen each other and I'm pretty upset that our plans fell through for Spring Break, but I know that his ex will do things like this from time to time and really try to push my buttons, especially after she realizes that Brian has other plans and is over her. That's just the kind of person she is. I'm so excited to meet his family and I know that every day, he loves me more. I love him more and more. I am so excited for our future. We have really gotten closer here lately. He has been very patient with me, especially when I am dealing with my bad days; similar to today...

The last few days, I have been mentally and emotionally exhausted. I go from Daddy's house where talking about Chris was completely unheard of to Grandma, Grandpa, Aunt L and Aunt R who truly knew Chris. They (now "we") talk about him all the time. All of the emotions that I'm feeling are happening for the very first time. I have been reading a book, titled After Suicide from Mardel, and I have been kind of frustrated with it. They keep saying things like "almost everybody feels...you may feel...you may think". I don't fit into most of those categories. Actually, I only fit into one. I got really mad at him when I found out about it. I am going to join the rest of the family at group therapy once that gets started. I'm curious to see how everybody else is feeling and how they are dealing with their emotions. Time heals most of this, so I guess I'll have to be patient.

I'm glad that I have someone who is understanding and who is willing to help me through all of this.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

It's been a week

A lot has happened this week.
I went to see Uncle Chris twice this week. The first time I went, it was to pick out his headstone marker. The second time was to release more balloons, say a few words, and have a picnic. It was a lot of fun. I'm sure people thought that we were weird for having a picnic at the cemetery, but the kiddos had a great time.

I got to spend a few minutes alone with Chris and I feel better. I also wrote him another letter. This one didn't get burned. Instead, I think that I'm going to keep it in a spiral notebook and write more to him whenever I feel like it.

Today starts packing for the move. The move will bring about some changes, including in how frequently I have the ability to connect to the internet, so my posts may disappear for a while. Please check back every so often though. I do want to continue blogging. I like it. :)

Time to shower and commence with the packing.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

updates!!

I have good news and I have bad news. Let's start with the bad so that we can end on a good note, yes?! Yes. 

Bad news: 
  • Today, we found out that Michael, my 2nd grade brother, lost his elementary school teacher. She passed away this morning after some complications with an outpatient procedure that she had done. He's pretty torn up about it. She was his teacher last year and this year, and she was one of the teachers who chose not to give up on Michael. She was the type of teacher that everybody looked up to and respected. 
  • My mother decided to ask the AG of Texas to freeze all of Dad's bank accounts for back child-support due to her. So, we may lose the house and the car. That was awfully nice of my mom, wasn't it?? 
  • Sarah and Julia both had to go to the doctor's office today. We suspected that Julia had strep and got that confirmed. But we also learned that Sarah also has strep. They are both on antibiotics, and with money being the way it is right now, I pray to God that nobody else gets sick. We just can't afford it. 
Good news:
  • My Aunt L and Grandma have invited me to move in with them near Amarillo so that I can get some much needed job experience and include that on a resume, plus I'll be getting out of this place for a while. It would mean that I would no longer stuck here!! :D I'm going to move!! I'm excited. 
  • I fall more in love with Brian every day. I know that I go on and on about him, but it's really true. I can talk to him about anything (and trust me, I do). He listens to me, offers advice and solutions, but more importantly, he lets me know that my problems are important to him. He cares about me and where I am at with everything. He makes an effort to get to know my family until he can meet them, and I do the same for him. His mom just got a new young horse and she is severely malnourished. They are all doing everything that they can to save her life, and it's little things like knowing that his mom LOVES horses is interesting to me. I learned tonight that his dad and I grew up in similar households, but his mom and I also have some in common from our upbringings. His family is the epitome of the family that I want for my kids someday. I want my kids to feel like they can ask for help when they need it, and I want them to feel like they can help each other out without things being awkward or "unnatural" for them. I love him more tonight than I did last month, last week even.
  • I got an email from my Aunt B tonight. She was just checking up on me, since Uncle C died. She wants to make sure that I'm doing okay and she has invited me to hang out and visit sometime soon. I'm excited to do it!! It'll be good for both of us, I'm sure of it. 
It's going to take more time to deal with the bad stuff, and I know that if it isn't one thing that is "bad" that it's another, but right now, I'm doing the best that I can with what I've been given. I'm just simply living my life. I love this crazy, sad, beautiful, wonderful, mess. 

Monday, March 7, 2011

"I'm happy that you're happy tonight!!"

Things may be turning around for me finally!!!

I got a call from my aunt and she invited me to move in with her. It's away from Dad's house, and I'd be able to depend on myself more. I'd have the opportunity to borrow a car to get to and from work until I can save up to get my own car, then I'll continue to save some more until I am able to move out, and finally go to Stillwater!!!!!

More details later. I still have to run things by Dad and I'd like to talk to Grandma about it too!!

Brian and I had a fantastic conversation tonight too and I'm so lucky to have his support in my life. I always wanted my best friend and significant other to be my biggest cheerleader, and he's 100% behind me!! He's so happy for me. This may take us geographically farther apart for a while, but it is closer to my ultimate goal. He's perfect for me!!

Sunday, March 6, 2011

:/

The party for the little brother went pretty well today. The cake looks fantastic.

After the party, I found out that students from my high school had passed away in a horrible house fire early this morning. 7 people died, 2 were from my high school, and my sister knew both of them, plus another one that died. Death seems to be following me around lately. It is weird. That brings my death toll up to 6 from just February 1st. It's lovely.

I'm tired and have a lunch and shopping date with my best friend tomorrow.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

"You've just had some bad luck lately"

I talked to my Aunt L today. I love talking to her.
I wish I had talked to Brian today. I love talking to him too.

I got an email today from Brian that left me with the impression that I won't be able to see him over Spring Break after all. His ex wife is pulling some dumb blonde (no offense to my blonde readers) moves and can't (in my opinion, won't) get the kids. She hasn't seen them in almost a month now and Brian is furious and surprised at her actions. I can't say that I'm surprised. I kind of saw this coming. It hasn't been the first time she has messed up plans between me and Brian, and I know that it won't be the last. I'm still not sure whether or not I'll get to go on break for Spring Break. I need to get away from the kids, out of the house, out of Texas for a little while. I miss my friends (the few that I have now, anyway). I miss having my own life where I don't have to worry about where the baby is, who is cooking dinner tonight, and whose turn it is for the bathtub. I'm not a parent yet. I wasn't born to be a live-in babysitter for my parents.

In the last 2 days, we found out that another 2 friends of the family passed away. They both passed away in their sleep. One of them was younger than 30 and was best friends with Aunt J. She is really torn up about it. The other one was in B.A.C.A. (Bikers Against Child Abuse; an organization of bikers who defended innocent children from abusive situations; for more info, click here) with mom and dad. I didn't know either of these men personally, but what bothers me so much is the fact that their deaths are just more stressors for my immediate family.

I'm tired and I need to look up places to get grief counseling (either online or some where close to home) that is free. Any suggestions from anybody is greatly appreciated. Any kind words would be great too, just as an assurance that somebody, somewhere is actually interested in what I have to say, even if it is mundane.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

"Your toes are red!!!"

It has been a freaking long day!!! We got up and was out of the house by 10:30 this morning, we stopped by Aunt B's house to drop off the birthday invitations for Michael's birthday party on Sunday. While we were there, B's little one noticed that my toe nails had been painted a really sparkly red color. He thought it was worth pointing out to me (which I already knew, since I painted them) and got really excited. 

We ran some more errands, which included going over to my mom's house and dropping off her and Theresa (my sister) their Valentine's Day cards, almost a month late. But better late than never, right?! 

We came back and did some major landscaping work on the front yard. We have plans to finish the rest, but moving 25 squares of sod and four 40 pound bags of topsoil around really takes a lot out of two people, so we will finish it later. We also dug about 6 inches all the way around parts of the sidewalk and driveway in order to lay edging down to keep the runoff of dirt and rain to a minimum. That was even harder work, considering all of the roots and rocks that we kept encountering. 

I'm exhausted. I love my Brian. I love my family. I love my life. 

I'm in a good place right now, despite the grief and stress around me. 

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

el jardin

Apparently, every Spring, my mom likes to make up her garden. The boys always want to plant vegetables and mom wants flowers. The last 2 days, we have been clearing and planting flowers and vegetables in the front flower bed, the back flower bed, the veggie garden, and the back pond. While we were clearing weeds out of the back veggie garden, I found two acorns that had started to take root to grow into trees. I decided that I was going to replant the first one that I found in the very back yard. Since we live next to a creek and a forested area, I knew that as long as I was able to keep the animals from digging it back up, it would thrive pretty well back there. I was going to plant the second rooted acorn back there too, but then mom gave me the idea to put it in a pot and maintain it. Then when I bought my first home, I could replant it there, in my new yard. I thought that it was a great idea, so today, I planted that into a pot. It will have to be transferred into a bigger pot soon, but for right now, it will be okay where it is. I hope that I am able to buy/rent a place before it gets too big to be in a pot.

On a completely different note, I have a beautiful romance with the most wonderful man ever. We have plans for Spring Break and I am super excited. I really hope we are able to make things work. Our big deal is that we are going to meet each other's family/parents for the first time. I'm nervous for him to meet my mom mom. I know that my stepmom and daddy won't really be a problem. From what I know of his family, they are all very sweet and loving people, so I'm not that worried about meeting them. I want to spend forever with him. Period. He's wonderful and what we have is so beautiful and precious. It is something that I treasure and guard with my life. I love him.

Another big day tomorrow. Goodnight!! :)

Sunday, February 27, 2011

"Is that something to save me from the tower with?!"

The stereotypical little girl's dream is to be swept off of her feet by prince charming who came to save her from the super tall tower and to ride of on the back of a white horse into a perfect sunset. My cousin T is no exception, and she is only 4 years old. Yesterday, I took most of the kids out into the backyard to play and she was playing the princess, which meant that Clay was the obligatory prince coming to save her from the play fort turned tower.

This morning, I woke up from a dream in which I got engaged -- sort of. Basically though, Brian was in the dream and had come to town to visit me (I'm not sure where I was at, but it definitely wasn't Dad's house), but he had brought a female "friend" with him. He said that she was just here to hang out with the kids (why I was watching his kids in a different town, I'll never know). Brian, this friend of his, and I all went on a walk together and on the way back home, his lady friend started walking several feet in front of us. About that same time, Brian pulls me off to the side of the road and gets down on one knee. Realizing what he is fixing to do, my knees buckle and I join him on the ground with tears streaming down my face. He opened the ring box and there were two costume jewelry rings inside. He told me that I could have my pick of whichever ring that I wanted. After he said that, he pulls the pink ring out of the box and tells me that if I don't accept his marriage proposal, he is going to ask his lady friend to marry him. I tell him yes (not because I don't want them to get married, but because I actually wanted to marry him). I lean in to kiss him and he doesn't do anything at all. He doesn't try to kiss me back; instead, he has a really disappointed, even hurt, look on his face. When I ask him what was wrong, he tells me that I did something wrong. Apparently, when my knees buckled and I started crying, he took it the wrong way. As I gave the ring back to him, I told him that a proposal wasn't supposed to be like this (having another woman waiting around the corner as a potential fiancée) and that he should know that my feelings for him were real. He didn't hold my hand or talk to me for the rest of the dream.

It was super trippy. I didn't like it. After him making me cry on the phone on Friday night, not talking to him Saturday night, and waking up from that crazy dream this morning, I'm ready to talk to him. I've been apprehensive about it all day, but I think that it should go okay.

We sent all of the out of town family on their way this evening after family pictures at the park. After we get those, I'll put a couple of them up here. My Aunt J took the pictures this time, and she is a more experienced photographer than I am.

I'm tired and ready for this week to be over already, and it's only Sunday night.

Friday, February 25, 2011

....uh what?

So, the party...Started out okay. We all got ready and went to the cigar shop and hung out with everybody. Then Grandma and Grandpa showed up and we were finally able to dig into the cake. A little while later, we came home where we met Uncle E and Aunt J. They left their two girls here (ages 4 and 9), bringing my total kid to adult ratio to 7:1. 4 of the kids are siblings, which aren't a problem. 2 are cousins. 1 is the child of one of dad's high school friends. One sibling, the 9-year old cousin, and the friend's kid (who is 14) have been brats all night long. After I got all the little kids in bed, the older 3 decided to be teenager-ish and just be...ugh. I got fed up with it really quickly.

Then Brian called and made me cry, and not necessarily in a good way. He didn't understand that I was talking to the older kids and thought that I was being mean to the younger ones. He acted like my dad. I started crying because of all of it culminating together. After he began to realize what was going on over here, he apologized and we are good again.

Parents are finally back. Got to go.

There's gonna be cake!!!

The party tonight for mi padres is going to be so much fun!!! I'm super excited about it. My Aunt J and Uncle E (and maybe their kids) are driving into town for the first time since they moved to OK last summer to help us celebrate. Grandma B and Grandpa B are coming into town too, as soon as Grandma gets out of surgery today. There are other friends of Daddy's coming into town too.

We have the cake almost completely ready!! I'm so exited about it. I'll put pictures up later, when it is completely done!! And I will almost definitely have pictures from the party tonight!! :)

I'm so excited!!! :D (obviously I am, I keep using smilies...)

I need to get some shoes on and get the baby ready to go!!

Peace out, girl scout!!!!

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Just more of my life

Herro!!! :)

Today, we tackled the bathrooms, the shelf unit in the dining room (it's a big unit), Mom and Dad's bedroom, the front porch, and the back deck. And several loads of laundry. I feel pretty accomplished with all of that.

I also managed to read a little bit of my book. I've changed novels again, for those of you keeping track, now it's Stephen King's Firestarter. I got it from Aunt B on Monday after I babysat the kids. She told me that I could have it, since she wasn't the Stephen King fan in the house. I'm pretty sure Uncle C won't mind, since it's being read instead of just sitting on a shelf.

I got to talk to Melissa again tonight and we made plans to hang out on her Spring Break. I'm so glad that her university decided to have a SB week different than the rest of the world!! I get to see her, and then the next week, Brian comes and picks me up to spend SB with him!! I'm super excited about getting to see both of them. It's been quite a while...

We watched "American Idol" tonight when Daddy got home (we love our DVR) and I was sad that Hollie and Chris both got sent home. I wish that Clint had been sent home, I've never been a huge fan of his. I think that he talks too much, and after cutting Jaycee from the group last week, I'm not fond of his personality. I'm really glad that Ashley is gone though. She was too much of a cry-baby/drama queen for me to even begin to think of liking her.

Tonight, I didn't get to hear Brian tell me that he loves me. I know that he does, but I like hearing it too. His phone died and his brother was on the way to his place to watch movies and stay the night. That just means that we will talk tomorrow!!

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

:)

1.) I'm in a much better mood today than I was yesterday. Sometimes I think that it is amazing how my attitude can completely do a 180 in such a short amount of time.

2.) Since Michael has been on his medication, I've been super proud of him. He is the sweet little brother that I've missed lately.

3.) Party coming up on Friday. We are getting the house cleaned. Today, we tackled the boys' room and it took a while, but it looks fan-freaking-tastic!!

4.) That man makes my heart beat faster every time he says "I love you" to me. I love him so much. I can't wait to be back in the same state as him. These next 2.5 weeks can't go by fast enough. I'm so excited for Spring Break.

5.) Melissa (one of my best friends from high school) has had a falling out with a long time friend of hers. She asked me for advice today because she knows that I've been going through a lot of the same things lately with my friends. I told her that she had to do what was best for her. If calling it quits was what she needed to do, then do it. Especially since the other person isn't willing to give it a shot anymore. I love Mel so much. I wish I could give her a hug and veg out with Chinese food and chocolate ice cream.

I think those were the main highlights to my day. Parents are still arguing. It's tough to listen to Dad say things like "I'm the only one who takes responsibility in this house." I wasn't aware that "responsibility" meant going to your favorite hang-out spot for hours after work and coming home late, complaining that dinner was cold. I must have missed that memo; I was probably too busy applying for jobs or cleaning the boys' room, or maybe I was doing Dad's laundry. Who knows??

Monday, February 21, 2011

tough day

Woke up at 6:30 and made breakfast for everyone. Yay for easy scrambled eggs and a pot of coffee (for me only). Then, off to Aunt B's house for babysitting her two little ones. 

I didn't really think that it would be as hard as it was. The kids are still trying to grieve the loss of their daddy (my Uncle C). One of the hardest things that I've ever done is sit and play with two kids who didn't want me to be there. They wanted their daddy to be playing with them. The youngest (3 year old) is having extreme separation anxiety. When he wanted his mommy this afternoon, there was nothing I could do to stop him from crying. I know that he was thinking that mommy wouldn't come home from work, like daddy didn't come home that awful day. Both of the kiddos were extremely happy to see mommy walk back in the door. 

I was happy to see Aunt B too. 

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Is this really all I've got?

No job. No car. Living in my parent's house.

I'm really not as lame as I sound, I swear. Believe it or not, I do have friends...but they are in Oklahoma.
I'm so tired of being here. I'm bound and determined to get out of here ASAP. I have applied at 5 or 6 different places for work down here, I'm just waiting on someone to call me back. I have been trying to apply at places in Stillwater so that when I am able to move up there, I can have some sort of job security. I am holding off on that one until I can get a car though...

Working for my beautiful aunt tomorrow, babysitting those two precious children of hers. I love my family. Maybe borrowing The Grapes of Wrath too?? We'll see.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

exhaustion

I have no idea why I'm so exhausted. I didn't do anything today. At all. I slept late. Then, I watched some "Meteorite Men" with the family, then read some of The Canterbury Tales. That's pretty much it.

The boys and the parents went to the boy scouts' Blue & Gold Banquet tonight, leaving me and 2 of the sisters here to chill.

Now I'm waiting on Brian to call. Or fall asleep, whichever happens first.

Friday, February 18, 2011

$0.02

I just finished reading East of Eden by John Steinbeck. I have a new favorite book as well as a strong desire to read the rest of his books. One of my favorite characters in the book was Samuel Hamilton. He always had an insightful thing to say and it prompted me to think about several different issues.

One of my favorite quotes from the book is "Perhaps the best conversationalist in the world is the man who helps others to talk."

Beautiful.

Maybe he was right?! People love to talk about themselves. Who knows more about an individual than that particular individual?? Even if we don't know everything about ourselves (which is why college students make irrational choices sometimes, to try to "find" themselves), who knows us better?? Our parents may have a better memory of our past, our friends may have seen us at our worst, our dogs may see us when we get up in the morning, but the one constant thing in each of those scenarios is the individual.

Maybe I'm just blowing smoke and trying to be insightful. But maybe John Steinbeck was onto something.

Think about your best friend in high school. Why was that person your best friend?? Did she listen to you? You didn't even have to be talking about yourself, just any topic. Did she help you learn something by talking you through it? Maybe your college roommate brought over Chinese takeout and chocolate ice cream after your boyfriend dumped you via text. She let you talk it out. Then worked off all the junk food the next day (or quite possibly, the next week) with you.

Please, talk. I love to listen.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

quick note

After looking through the music that Brian sent me and talking to him on the phone tonight, I have a greater appreciation for my man. He told me that he went through and hand selected most (if not all) of the songs that he chose to include on the flash drive. He makes me feel so super duper special. :D

Today, I turned all of the new music on shuffle and cleaned my room!! I felt semi-accomplished. My excitedness never quite went away from the super fun way that I woke up this morning, it just translated into motivation to get other stuff done that I had been neglecting. I even made my bed. That's EPIC for me. I never make my bed. But I did today!!

By the way, Natalie Merchant is an awesome musician. If you don't listen to her, you need to start. NOW. :D "Wonder" is such a beautiful song.

Good night, all. I love the way he makes me feel!!

"Me! Me! Me!"

Sarah. 2 years old, calls me "Me" because she can't say "Em". I love her. She woke me up this morning with a package that we had just gotten in the mail. It was for me, from Brian!!!! :) I knew that it was Valentine's Day gifts from him. My two favorite people woke me up this morning. One of them, Sarah, is still sitting next to me, watching her "moobie" in my room. Brian sent me the most thoughtful gift!! I love my new coffee mug to drink out of. I finally got my first ever teddy bear from a guy too!!! Of course there was a card, but there was also a flash drive. Curious, I plugged it into my computer and opened it up. Brian has a whole bunch of music on his computer, from his army days. He sent me a lot of my favorite people and lots of new stuff that he wanted me to listen to!! There were also some files with pictures in them from family vacations and his cool kids' rooms that he painted/built himself!! 

I'm so super impressed with him. I can't wait for many more years, pictures, and music with him!!! 
<3

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

L.O.V.E.

I love that man. My favorite time of day is our nightly phone calls. We can (and do) talk about everything. He knows what is going on in my life, I know what is going on in his life; we know each others vices (something we are both still learning everyday). We talk about possibly having a future, we talk about our past, sometimes we don't talk. We did all of that tonight. He asked me how I would act if I ever met his ex-wife, even if she was uncivil to me. He asked me what our plan would be if the kids ever wanted to sleep in bed with us.


I spent another day filing. I finished the rest of it in 3 hours this afternoon, then I finished watching Season 1 of True Blood!! After that, I finished reading Saving Max by Antoinette van Heugten. It is definitely an interesting read. I have to find a new book though...Any suggestions?!

I love him.
They say "Home is where the heart is." He has my heart; he is in Oklahoma. So does that mean that my home is in Oklahoma? I certainly hope so; I can't wait to move back up there.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

"A-B-C-D-E-F-G..."

I am indeed alphabetically challenged, especially with the letters from "G" through "L" and "T" through "Z". Normally, this doesn't pose much of a problem; however, today was a different story. Dad needed help filing all of his papers into the correct case files for his law practice. Normally that would be a paralegal's job but since money is tight, I'm the next best thing. And I don't charge (although I probably should...). Anywho, after spending about 7 hours today filing, I was basically brain dead.

After we have the files in alphabetical order, Daddy wanted me to organize each piece of paper inside the files by reverse date order. So the newest dates go on top. Which means that I not only had to sing my ABCs, but I also had to say the months, starting in January and stopping only when I got to the correct month. At least I didn't have to do numbers. I'm horrible at numbers.

For a simple task such as filing, there is quite a bit of sitting, reaching, and bending; I'm a little sore.

Overall, not a bad day. I helped mom make chicken enchiladas for dinner, then had to clean up the mess that Sarah made when she got into my makeup...

Waiting for some emails from Brian!! I miss him so much. Valentine's Day yesterday without him was a little rough. It could be worse though.

Fun fact: Valentine's Day 2011 is the first Valentine's Day in my life where I've had a valentine!! Even though we are constantly 4 hours away, we are making things work, even on V-Day. I'm thinking that his V-Day gift from me hasn't arrived at his house yet, he hasn't said anything about it. I can't wait until I get to move back up to Oklahoma. I miss it.

Hope you guys had a great Valentine's Day yesterday and a great Tuesday today!! Feel free to eat a piece of V-Day candy for me, since my siblings didn't share any of theirs!!

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Photo Op by the River

This morning when I woke up, I walked into the living room and both of the boys had already had baths and were in some nicer clothing, the baby was in her brand new Valentine's Day outfit, mom was dressed up, and Jules was well on her way to being dressed nicer than her usual jeans and a t-shirt look. I was told that we were going to try to go take some pictures out by the Trinity River, near downtown. Mom said that their was some graffiti that looked nice as a back drop to some pictures. I found it kind of ironic. Some of the best artwork and picture back drops also happen to be one of society's pet peeves. So, in true Valentine's Day spirit, I showered and dressed in a "date night" outfit that consisted of my best dark jeans, hot pink tank, and a white cotton blouse on top. Black flats completed the look. Dad finally got around to getting showered and clean-shaven, then we piled into the car and headed out.

I got some great pictures, and because we were all pretty scatter-brained after the last 2 weeks, nobody had remembered to grab an actual camera, so we took the photos on my camera phone and my mom's iPhone. My pictures turned out better than hers did...

One of my favorites was this one, where the sunlight shone through the tree branches. I didn't realize what I had captured until after we left. I had on my sunglasses and because they are polarized, I wasn't able to get a very good idea of what was on the screen while I took the picture.

And, I've always wanted a "shadow picture". I even got a bonus because it contains 3 family generations into one pretty impressive picture...

It's been a pretty relaxed day. It has helped that there wasn't anything major going on today and I felt great about myself. A little makeup and nicer style never hurt anyone...

Friday, February 11, 2011

Two weeks notice

I always have a really hard time coming up with cute and creative titles. I just spent 3 minutes trying to figure something out, then decided that I could write my post before coming up with a title.

It's been an excruciatingly hard two weeks. Last Tuesday morning (February 1, 2011) at 3 AM, my parents got a phone call from my aunt who lives about 20 minutes away. She said that my uncle Chris (my daddy's brother) never came home from work on Monday night. The last she had heard from him was around 2 PM on Monday. I knew that something was wrong when they left to go find Chris. Let me start from the beginning.

1:15 AM
It starts snowing. The snow and ice combination finally hit our area. It's going to be bad, they have already cancelled school.

3:08 AM
Mom comes into the living room to tell me that her and Daddy are going to Uncle Chris and Aunt Bambi's house. "It's not...good." She said.

3:11 AM
Mom and Dad are both fully dressed and headed out the door. Mom said that she would call and to charge my phone. Dad didn't even look at me. He practically ran out the front door to the car. I knew then that something had happened to either one of my cousins (ages 6 and 3) or to my Uncle Chris.

4:00 AM
I'm so wound up that I can't sleep, but I go lay down anyway. I keep thinking to myself that Uncle Chris had died. That was the only explanation that I could give for Dad acting the way he did when he left. Mom sent me a text saying that I needed to get some sleep because, "We are going to need help with the kids tomorrow." I assumed that meant the cousins. That also meant that they were okay. It was my Uncle Chris.

5:03 AM
I haven't slept at all. I had been preparing myself for the worst-case scenario. Daddy calls me and asks for my Aunt Revenna and Uncle Cary's phone numbers. "Yes, I'll text them to you as soon as we hang up. What is going on?" The line went silent for about 5 seconds, but it felt like so much longer. "He's gone, Sugar." Daddy replies finally. He only calls me "Sugar" when he knows I'm about to start crying. He was right.

5:56 AM
Mom and Dad pull back up into the driveway. By now, I'm fully dressed and ready to walk out the door. I meet Dad at the street and we stand there, in the snow and below freezing temps, and just embrace each other and cry. He tells me that mom is staying here to help with the kids and tells me that he needs me here; so I stay.

7:13 PM
Dad finally comes back home from Bambi's house. He tells me that my Uncle Chris locked himself in his office and shot himself in the head. The wind had been knocked out of me for the second time in less than 24 hours and it was all I could do to walk back inside and take my coat off. I stood in the entry way to our house for a good 5 minutes, just leaning on the wall for some support. He had asked me not to tell the little kids, so when they asked, I wasn't able to say anything.


That was one of the hardest days of my entire life. I say "entire" like I've been here a long time. I was so angry at him. I managed to survive when I had issues, why couldn't he?! I still don't understand things. The visitation was last Friday night, and the funeral on Saturday morning.

It has now been a week. Most of the family has returned home, all of the friends (even a close friend who flew in all the way from Pittsburgh) had left. The only family from out of town left here now is Grandma (Daddy and Chris' mom) and she is leaving on Sunday morning.

One of the hardest things that I had to do was go last Sunday evening to the cemetery where Chris was buried. It wasn't hard because I didn't know him. It was hard because his two young children had no idea how great of an uncle he was to me. I am the oldest grandchild on Dad's side, therefore, I was Chris' oldest niece. He taught me how to skate using roller blades when I was 8 or 9. He let me nickname his purple little truck that he had in college "Barney" because I was in love with the stupid purple dinosaur. He had a nickname for me that only he was allowed to call me. I will always be his "Emily from Sicily". He fixed my computer for me every time that it crashed at school and I was a basket case.

Back to Sunday evening...Bambi called Grandma and Daddy and asked if they would like to join her and the kiddos to go to the cemetery to send Daddy (Uncle Chris) some pictures that they had colored for him. Bambi said that anybody else who wanted to go was more than welcome to come. I originally said "no" to the invite. I was ready for the Super Bowl to begin. After giving it some thought, I put on my trusty converse and my leather coat and told Dad that I'd like to come with them. We stopped at Albertson's on the way and Bambi went in and bought 6 balloons. She had the employee who filled the balloons with helium put the pictures from the kids in 3 of the balloons (2 pictures were from the 6 year old, and 1 picture was from the 3 year old). When we got to the grave side, she passed out the balloons. "I need a little boy...and now I need a little girl; you get two balloons because of both of your pictures...I also need a momma [my grandma]...and a big brother [my daddy]." I took pictures leading up to and just after the release of the balloons. One of the best sights ever was watching the kids' faces light up when they couldn't see their balloons any more because then they knew that their daddy had them and that he was looking at the pictures. For obvious reasons, they don't know about the manner in which he died. We all want to protect the memories that they have with him as being a good, loving father, which he was. He put everything into his family. They were the reason that he had survived as long as he had.

Dealing with that and getting this year started off right in other aspects of my life has taken quite the toll on my emotions. I had a slight breakdown last night. I pulled through it because of my closer-than-big-brother-best friend Arturo. I want to say that Brian has helped me through a lot of my emotions. He did, in the beginning of last week, when things were raw and hard; but that has kind of dwindled lately. We are both in a hard spot and we will get over it.

We are hanging out with Grandma tomorrow (later today) before she leaves on Sunday. I need to get some rest.

living_life hurts sometimes.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

time to leave

I've been living in my dad's house for a month and I'm ready to go. I thought that I was able to stay here until I could get back up on my feet, but I'm starting to realize that that isn't going to happen. Dad was talking to me last night and he asked me what motivated me in life because "[he doesn't] think [I] have any motivation or goals". Bullshit. I have goals. Just because I'm not public about them doesn't mean that I don't have any. I have different goals than he wants me to have, and that is why I am very reluctant to share my goals with him. My dad is very career-minded and I'm simply not.

He told me that growing up, he wanted to provide things for his children that he didn't have. He wanted enough money to be able to have and do things that he missed out on. That took away from our family time when I was growing up because he was always working or studying. I want things for my kids that I didn't get growing up -- the love of a tight family. Dad and I never did things together that was special. I want to provide my kids with lots of support and love from both parents. He doesn't understand this because he is so career-minded.

My "plan" is to wait around for my car from Grandpa (he is waiting for the weather to clear up to take it to get inspected, then he'll bring it to me), then get a full-time or part-time job here around town to save up some money. Then pack up my things and move. I'm going back to Oklahoma. I miss my boyfriend and my independence.

--More than words

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Spawn of Satan

According to my birth mother (referred to here as, "Mother"), I am a legit spawn of Satan.
I may be blowing things a little out of perspective, but in all reality, she really does think that I'm a problem child, since I moved out of her house. Before I moved out of her house, I was her "good daughter".
People say that I've been through a lot of shit in my life, and sometimes, I can agree with them. But other times, I still think, my life hasn't really been all that bad, when kept in perspective.
There has been very few times that I've been so angry at someone that I was literally shaking. Tonight was one of those few times. My teeth were literally clicking because they were moving so quickly and hitting against each other. The last time that happened was when I was angry at Daddy the day after I graduated high school. I was mad at Mother; and I feel like I have a fair reason to be.

Brian and I hadn't dated for too long before I broke up with him. Then we were broken up for 2 months, give or take a week or two. Now, we are back together. Mother didn't like him the first time and she had reason to worry, but she won't even trust my judgment with anything since high school. Daddy was at least willing to give him a chance; and mom (my stepmom) was accepting of it. None of my parents support my relationship a whole lot, but the least judgmental person is mom. Mother can rip me to shreds over it; similar to how she did tonight.

But what if I had told her that I love him. I do love him, by the way. I just haven't told her that. I haven't told Daddy that either. Mom knows. Brian knows. We have talked a little bit about a life if we get married. How many kids we want, where we would live, how we would make ends meet every month.

Mother doesn't want me to turn out like she did: pregnant out of wedlock, married to a man she didn't really love, divorced, single mom raising 2 daughters by the age of 35. To be honest, I don't want to be like her either; but that doesn't give her the right to completely turn her trust around on me.

Life is full of mistakes. I wish she would let me learn from hers, avoid some, and make my own.
I'm just trying to live my life.