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Friday, June 22, 2012

Monday, June 18, 2012

4 more days

So, of course, not counting today (Monday) or the day of (Saturday), we have 4 days left until we get married! I am super excited! Things are coming along for the wedding, a little slower than I'd like, but they are coming along. I still have a list of things that I need to get done, like finding a cake server deal for the cake cutting thing. Oh, and the rest of the picture slideshow, and picking and finalizing the music. And finalizing the itinerary. No big deal. However, with the rest of this week, I'm going insane.

Tomorrow, we have to go get our marriage license, get house and car insurance (because both of them have officially expired), go back to the house to finish deep cleaning it (to start paint either tomorrow or Wednesday), and there might be something else, but I don't remember what it is.

Today, I decided to take the day off from work on the house and catch up on the apartment work that needs to be done, since we are still residing here. The dishes and laundry have sat neglected for about a week. We are officially out of clean utensils, and I am all out of clean underwear. My other goal is to get more of the picture slideshow done for the wedding.

Some advice to any future brides, when your fiancee says, "We have plenty of time, don't worry about it.", don't listen to him all the time. Especially when it comes to wedding music. I have to find a copy of the Father/Daughter song that my dad picked, and I don't know how to do that. Brian's at work, so he needs to do that as soon as he gets home...

Monday, June 11, 2012

12 Days

Hello, all! I have been so busy the last few weeks!

We have only 12 days left until the wedding!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so excited to marry my best friend!!!! For the last month, I have had to constantly remind myself that mine and Brian's wedding is just that, OUR wedding. Not my mom's wedding, not my sister's wedding, MINE AND BRIAN's! I am a people pleaser by nature, so when someone says, "I think you should do ____ this way:___", I feel like I should do it, whether or not I like it. I'm getting stressed out about the little things, like my bridesmaid's shoes. Nobody will be looking at their shoes, but it's something that I can worry about, so I do.

On the other hand, we have the house. We go in on Wednesday and review the contract and sign if we agree. On Friday (or maybe Thursday night) we get the house keys and she's all ours! I start on Friday by doing carpet and paint and ceiling!! My beautiful friend Sam is coming to help us redo the house because her bedroom is being redone and she has some "insider" tips! Plus, I'm feeding her, so it's a win-win.

The last few days, Brian and I have almost completely finished the memorial frame for the wedding reception. We had to print out pictures, find appropriate quotes for the occasion, fit those into a 4" x 6" frame and work on the font. All we have left to do for that is the "what this person means to me" section of it, and then that whole table will be done!

Mom sent me a picture of my wedding bouquet that she finished last night, and I am so excited to walk down the aisle and say "I do" to the love of my life!

I'm sorry this post has been kind of all over the place, but I'm having random thoughts just pop up. They all need my attention (just like the dishes in the kitchen sink), but I can only focus on a few things at a time.

Brian's sister applied for her trucking job the other day, and she leaves on Monday to go! She said that she will leave her computer for us so that we can do the slideshow for the wedding reception, which is very handy since Brian wants to do the slideshow, but we don't have powerpoint on our computer. Plus, on Kenda's laptop, it will be much easier to have everything set up and take care of it. Otherwise, we would have to move our desktop over to the church, then move it again, and that's just too much for me to worry about.

Because we are getting the house with 5 acres, Brian and I are talking about getting a couple dogs for the kids. We want something that will be good for outside dogs (even though Em really wants a lap dog, ugh), so we are looking at the bigger breeds (to ward off coyotes) like the chocolate or yellow Labradors! The kids kind of want a beagle because there is a little beagle that follows us and walks with us when we go on walks around the neighborhood, but I'm worried that a beagle won't hold his own with the coyotes out in the country...So we are still talking about our dogs, but we are one step closer to owning them!

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Mini Shortbread Apple Pies

An Original Recipe
Mini Shortbread Apple Pie

Several months ago, I was helping little Em with her Girl Scout cookie sales. We sold all of the boxes that she was given to sell. Some of those boxes never left the house and we paid for them. I think we had a total of 4 or 5 Trefoils (which is a fancy way of saying "shortbread"). I had no idea what to do with them except for eating them like they were. One night, I had the idea of mixing some broken pieces of cookie into strawberry yogurt. It was actually pretty good, but I knew that there had to be something else to do with these leftover cookies besides mix them with yogurt and make miniature ice cream sandwiches with them (we never did the ice cream sandwiches, but that was the only recipe I could find online that used these particular cookies). 

Brian and Em LOVE Dutch apple pie. What separates Dutch apple pie from regular apple pie? The yummy crumb coating on the top, rather than pie crust. Knowing this, I set out to the local grocery store to pick up one ingredient: Apple Pie Filling. 

My genius idea was to crush a sleeve of the shortbread cookies, mix it with some melted butter and create a pie crust. Then throw in the can of apple pie filling, and top with a crumb mixture (which also happened to be the crust mixture). So, how did I get from a full sized pie to cupcake sized pies? Simple. Because we are in the middle of the move, I had the bright idea to pack up all of the pans that we don't use on a regular basis, and the pie pan was included in that. I still had the muffin tin, so I lined it with cupcake liners and called it good. 

Mini Shortbread Apple Pie

  • 1 1/2 sleeves of the shortbread cookies, crushed (I found it helpful to crush them in a ziplock bag)
  • 3/4 Tb butter, melted
  • 1 can apple pie filling
  1. Line your muffin tin with cupcake liners. 
  2. Mix the melted butter and the cookies in a bowl. Spoon some of the cookie mixture into the bottom of the cupcake liners. I prefer a little thicker crusts on all of my pies, so I was using about 1/2 of a regular spoon in each pie. 
  3. To get a nice even crust, I used a cupcake liner and a glass cup to press the mixture to the bottom of the pan. So, I had a cupcake liner, the cookie mixture, another cupcake liner, and a glass cup and then I gently pressed down so the crust was spread evenly. After I finished one pie, I moved on to the next and repeated the process until they were all crusts. 
  4. I divided the can of apple pie filling into each of the 12 pies. They all were pretty full.
  5. Bake the pies for about 8 to 10 minutes at 350. They will start to smell like a real apple pie. 
  6. Take them out, and using the rest of the cookie mixture, top each pie.
  7. Pop it back into the oven for about 7 minutes. 
  8. Let them cool and enjoy!

It was a pretty easy recipe. I had the whole thing done in about 30 (including the baking). The family and I played a game of Uno while they were cooling, then it was time to eat them. They were so good! I think Brian had 3 that night...then he got up and had another one for breakfast the next day! I'm not much of an apple pie fan, but these were pretty good! 

I was pretty excited about this! It was my first original recipe and it worked! I have never made up a recipe until the other night. Now I have more confidence in the kitchen. Hopefully, with the move and repairs we are doing on the house, I will have more confidence doing DIY projects as well!! If you use my recipe (or make an adaptation to it), please comment and let me know how it turned out!!! 

Monday, May 14, 2012

Happy Mommy's Day

This weekend was so much fun! I loved getting to see my family again! The last time I saw most of them was back in July of last year for Grandpa's retirement party. On Friday, Aunt J and Uncle E came and met us in OKC to take out to the lake, which was extremely nice of them! I loved getting to go on that mini road trip with them and catching up without all of the chaos of the rest of the family. On Friday night, after the rest of the family got there, Aunt R, Aunt L, Grandma, and I took a walk around the camp and found the lake. We took some pictures on the beach and had some crazy ones, I'm sure!

Then on Saturday, we spent the day hiking, fishing, swimming, and just some general hanging out. Saturday night, we had a campfire and that was pretty fun! I was really proud of A for getting up and singing 2 songs a capella in front of people he had only known for 24 hours! He had a great time! And Ms. Em had a great time, too! She loved getting to play with my sisters and female cousins! All of the kids had a great time! Daddy made me cry during the campfire, but it was a good cry, so it wasn't all bad! On Sunday after a breakfast of omelets in a bag, we packed up the entire cabin and campsite and checked out to head home. Shareen brought me and the kids back to OKC to meet Brian again, and then we all came home and crashed. We were all in bed no later than 9:30 last night. Brian had been moved to days at work, and he didn't get very much sleep.

We also found out last week that we are able to move next month! Which means that starting on June 15, I will be spending most of my time ripping up carpet and painting walls until our wedding on the 23rd. Then, the kids will go to their mom's in Arkansas on the 24th, and we will move in as soon as we can! I might be more than a little crazy moving and getting married all in the same 2 weeks, but things just kind of fell into place that way! I am so excited about all of it!

Camping this weekend help me realize a few things. One of the major ones is that I can finally read a book. Now, I've known how to read since I was little, but the last time I talked to Chris, he suggested that I read "The Grapes of Wrath" by John Steinbeck. He even tried to give me his copy of it. Well, it has now been over a year since he took his life and I am finally okay with reading this particular book. Thinking about reading the book and finishing it used to scare me. I used to think, "What is going to happen when I get done with the book? Will Chris no longer be a part of me?" Completely irrational thoughts, right? Well, that's what happens when you are grieving the suicide death of some one that you love. You don't always have completely sound thoughts. So, fast forward to where we are now. I have come to realize that just because he is gone and suggested this book doesn't mean that at the end of the book, the world will end. My life will keep going, I will keep healing, and I will get stronger. It has taken me over a year to realize this. Suicide grief is so hard to deal with. I never thought that anything I did would be this hard, both mentally and physically. I have never been in so much physical pain as I was in the first month after his death. The mental battle that I deal with every single day is so draining, and there are some days when I just have to tell Brian that I don't want to talk about something and I don't want to deal with anything, that he will have to do it. He is very good about offering me the support I need and taking care of the things that need done when I am out of commission, so to speak. I am a much stronger person now than I was back in September when I first started going to my SOS meetings. I love my group. We are a family, bound together by the common thread of suicide.

I am still pretty tired from the camp out, and my entire family has been in bed for an hour and a half. It is too quiet in the house and I'm fixing to crash, so I will say goodnight to you all now.

But before I go, I just want to say that it is an honor to write for you. I'm hoping and praying that as my page views increase that I touch the life of just one person. I only have 4 followers, as of last count, but you mean so much to me. It isn't easy, this life that I chose to lead, but it is worth every tear, every mental battle, every late night and early morning. I wouldn't trade in my family or close friends for anything, and I hope that they know that. If losing Chris so suddenly and tragically taught me one thing, it would be to not take for granted the people that you have in your life. The people that chose to stay, even when the going gets tough, are the ones that really show you that you are loved, and you are not alone, and you are worth it. If it weren't for Brian, my support group, my family, and a handful of friends, I would not be the same person that I am. I am so blessed by all that God has given me.

Monday, May 7, 2012

Camping and wedding prep

Last week, Brian, the kids, and I were invited to go camping. Last  year, my dad's family decided to start a Mother's Day camp out and make it an annual tradition. I couldn't make it because I was working, but I get to go this year. Brian can't because he has to work, but the kids and I are going. I haven't seen my family since last July at Grandpa's retirement party. Part of my contribution to the menu is bringing Trail Mix. Since everyone knows the best kind is the one that you make yourself, I made two different varieties. Using the recipe from Chex, found here, I adapted it to be my own.

The first recipe I made did not have the cheerios in it (it's really the only way to tell them apart in the pictures).

Emily's Mix #1:


  • 6 Cups Rice Chex cereal
  • 3 Cups Corn Chex cereal
  • 2 Cups of mini pretzel twists
  • 2 Cups of mixed nuts
  • 1/4 Cup of butter
  • 1 Tbl Dijon Mustard
  • 1 Tbl Yellow Mustard
  • 2 Tbl Honey
  • 1 tsp seasoned salt
And prepared according to the original Chex preparation directions. This recipe made about 21 servings, 1/2 cup each. 


Emily's Mix #2:

  • 3 Cups Corn Chex Cereal
  • 3 Cups Rice Chex Cereal
  • 3 Cups Honey Nut Cheerios
  • 2 Cups mini pretzel twists
  • 2 Cups mixed nuts
  • 1/4 Cup of butter
  • 2 Tbl seasoned mustard (I used a mild mustard with herbs, from Germany)
  • 1 tsp seasoned salt
Again, prepare using the original Chex prep. This recipe made about 21 servings, 1/2 cup each. 




That was for the camping trip over Mother's Day weekend. Now, for the wedding prep that I did last week! 
I found a blog here that has one of the most awesome thing I've ever seen. I wanted to make mine and Brian's toasting glasses for our wedding this summer. So one morning, we were at a garage sale and found a set of 4 martini glasses for 50 cents a piece and I made my own version of her glasses. 

These are the results from mine: 




I am so happy with the way they turned out. I only showed mine and Brian's because my lovely Maid of Honor sometimes reads this and I want her to be surprised with hers! I mixed two different paints to get the color we got. All of the instructions are on the link above, along with pictures that show the steps. I used the oven cure method, as the author said that was the best one for this particular project.  

Anyway, that's what I've been working on. I think sometime in the next few days, I'm going to make some puppy chow and take that with us camping. The recipes I made (above) are both a sweet/salty flavor. It's actually really good! 

Peace out, Girl Scout!!! 

Thursday, May 3, 2012

50 Days to Mrs!

I am so excited!! We are getting closer to our wedding date! June 23 could not get here fast enough for me! I had a conversation last night with my mom and my maid of honor about my bachelorette party, and now, everything is going to go more like what I wanted!

A few weeks ago, the kids and I had been invited to go on my family's annual Mother's Day camping trip to Quartz Mtn. State Park here in OK. I had originally told my family that we couldn't make it because we didn't have a car to get there. Brian would need it to get to work and back that weekend. Plus, we don't have much camping gear, so really, it wouldn't be very much like camping for us. Today, I was telling my stepmom the reasons why we wouldn't be able to make it, and she said, "Well, I will find you a ride. Start packing!" She and my dad have enough camping supplies for boy scouts, or as she put it "a refugee camp". So we are all set! When the kids got home, I told them that I wanted them to go try on their swimsuits. They asked why, and I said that we would go camping next weekend. They were so excited that they started jumping up and down and screaming. Then, I told them that they would get to meet my family and they got even more excited! It's all that they could talk about tonight! I'm so happy that they want to go camping and meet my family!

I still have so much to do before the wedding...and packing for the camping trip.

Yesterday, I spent a good chunk of the day at my mother-in-law's house going through a huge plastic bin of pictures. I picked out some to put in the slideshow for the wedding reception. Mom sent me a picture that we are going to use. I'm excited to get some more stuff done!


Sunday, April 29, 2012

Working Hard vs. Hardly Working

Brian and I have been trying lately to get some stuff out of our storage shed to be sold. That way, we can pay off more of my student loans, get us a second car, pay off his car, basic bills and such. When Brian and his sister attempted to open a liquor store, they spent over $1500 on shelving units. When the business didn't go through, we were stuck trying to store all of those shelves. So we bought a contract and started leasing out a storage unit. Last week, I listed the shelves, with 4 pictures on craigslist and within 48 hours, I had a guy interested in them. What is unusual is that he would be willing to come from central Missouri to us to get them. He was really interested! Last night, Brian called him and worked out some of the details (like the numbers/dimensions that I didn't know) and said that he was going to stop by sometime on Monday morning.

Today, we went over to his parents' house to get some pictures of some stuff they wanted me to list online. So, I grabbed the pictures that I needed and got some information about the items. When we all got back home, I got a phone call from another man about all of the shelves. I told him that we already had a potential buyer, but if Buyer #1 didn't take them on Monday, that I would give him a call and he could come get them. He's from OKC, so the drive is much better! It looks like either way, by mid-afternoon tomorrow, I should have half of my storage space free!!! I also have about 10 other ads on craigslist for things from a picture to alcohol bar signs (decoration aforementioned liquor store). His mom wants to sell 2 water troughs from the horses they used to have. His sister wants me to list her two dogs and all of their accessories (dog houses, automatic dog feeder, bathtub). I worked out the math for our items. If we get our asking price on everything that I have for sale (except for my mother-in-law and my sister-in-law's stuff), we will get just over $2300!! That would be AMAZING!!!! Now maybe we might could get the Kindle that we had to pass up on Valentine's Day...


Wednesday, April 18, 2012

No mice, just the droppings

So, I spent all day yesterday (after only 4 hours of sleep) cleaning out storage sheds. Fun, right? No, not really. You see, it would have been better if I hadn't been so emotional. Monday night, Brian and I stayed up until about 3am alphabetizing his ENTIRE DVD collection. There are well over 500 movies/tv series/documentaries in his entire collection. This has been a project that he has wanted to get done for a while, but we finally sat down and took the time to do it. He has me alphabetize the stacks of them while he puts them on the shelf and makes sure they are all facing the same direction. No big deal. Until about 2am when I start reversing the alphabet. Trying to figure out which "Battle-----" went first was not something we should have left until the very end, but the good thing is, they are done. We will have to do it again when we move because we add to our movie collection daily (I'm horrible at math, but I think it all averages out to about 1 movie a day). He was so excited that we were finally caught up, and I felt a huge sense of relief, too!

Back to the sheds...Brian has a whole bunch of stuff at his sister's house. This week is Dump Week here in town. You can use the city dump for free all week long, so that becomes the perfect time for the family to clean out the sheds and the stuff in the house that doesn't ever get cleaned because of time or life happening around it. We had so much crap piled up to take the dump that it took 3 trailer loads to get it all there. And one trailer to get the stuff that we wanted donated to the Community Thrift. Guess what? There is still more stuff, in the other shed. :) Yay for family hoarding!!!! lol really though, you don't know how much stuff you accumulate until you go to get rid of it and remember that you have it to begin with.

Miracle of miracles, yesterday, we found a TON of mice crap everywhere, on a lot of the boxes and huge plastic bins, but absolutely no mice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I'm exhausted.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Recovery

OH. MY. GOODNESS. It has been such a long weekend! It's been great, but very long! It all started Thursday night. The kids went over to Nana's house to spend the night, which was a blessing in disguise, simply because I didn't have to cook dinner that night. I got a phone call on Thursday night from Brian that said that he would be working until 3 am. It wasn't really a problem, except he and I were driving to Tulsa on Friday to pick up Andrew to spend the weekend with us. So, I went to bed to catch some ZZZ's before the 4 hour trip. I hate going to bed without my man. It does not make it easy to sleep. Anyway, we finally get back home from the trip, the kids come home, and Brian goes back to work. I spend most of Friday cleaning the kitchen, boiling eggs for the kids to color, making a huge pan of baked mac and cheese for Easter family dinner, then cooking dinner for us. Then, we are up late because Jim, Brian's brother, came over after he got off work, and Brian finally gets home. Of course we have to have the obligatory Nerf Wars (which is an adventure in and of itself. There is only one, put it on your bucket list!). Finally,  I can sleep again.

Saturday morning, we get up and get all dolled up for Easter dinner with the family. Spend the morning there, celebrating Easter, E's birthday, Grandy's birthday, Naw's birthday, and the birth of my new nephew. So then, back home to clean the kitchen from Friday's cooking.

This morning, we had to skip the Easter service at church to take Andrew back home. Brian worked late again last night, so both of them slept in the car while I drove the whole way. Brian and I had enough time to relax after we got back and before he left for work again today, so we did! It was a great break. Other than that, I have done a whole lot of nothing, trying to gear up for this week. A told me tonight that he is having the OK standardized testing this week. Math on Wednesday, and Reading on Thursday. E will probably have a practice run-through. She's only in 2nd grade, and they start counting in 3rd grade. So next year, if she doesn't pass (which, Brian and I have the highest confidence that she will), she will be repeating the year. This one is just a preview, if you will, of what is to come.


Busy life, but I wouldn't trade it for the world! I love my family.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

In Loving Memory

In memory of a life so beautifully lived, a heart so deeply loved 

There is a memory candle that gets lit every week at my support group, and this is what the candle holder says. I think that it is fitting, considering the last week.

Yesterday morning, I found out that my great-uncle Field had passed away of a heart attack on Monday night. Please, be with my family as we celebrate the life he lived. We are honored to be related to this wonderful man, who loved his family and God more than anything else. It is sad for us, but we all know without a doubt that he is celebrating Holy Week and Easter in Heaven with the Lord of Lords, and he is so happy about it!

Brian and I are working on our family trees, to combine them for the wedding. I needed some information about my great grandmother, so I dug back into my Senior Scrapbook from high school and found what I was looking for. In her funeral paper thing (I really have no idea what it's called, but it is the paper that they give you that tells you a little bit about the deceased person's life, like her birthday), there was a poem that was printed on it. I wanted to take a moment and share it with you:

I AM FREE
Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free. 
I am following the path God laid for me. 
I took His hand when I heard Him call, 
I turned my back and left it all.
I could not stay another day, to laugh, 
to love, to work or play.
Tasks undone must stay that way.
I found that peace at the close of the day.
If my parting has left a void, then fill it
with remembered joy.
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss, 
ah, these things I too, will miss. 
Be not burdened with time of sorrow,
I wish for you the sunshine of tomorrow.
My life's been full, I savored much,
good friends, good times, a loved one touched.
Perhaps my time seemed all too brief,
Don't lengthen it now with undue grief.
Lift up your hearts and share with me,
God wanted me now, He set me free.

With all the two deaths of family members that we have survived these last few days, I have to remember that we are not crying for them. They are no longer in pain, they aren't hurting or sick anymore. We are crying for us. AND IT'S OKAY. Crying is one of the most healing things that you can do, so if it helps you to cry, then please cry!! 

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Getting back to normal

I can not wait until our lives get back to "normal". This funeral stuff is so stressful. Yesterday, I spent some time going through the kids' closets trying to find something acceptable for them to wear to the funeral tomorrow. I finally find them. We got up this morning and bought E's shoes, too. Then, I spent about an hour today ironing Aaron's clothes, Brian's clothes, and another shirt. Finally, I had to hand-sew a bead back on to my dress. I'm so tired.

We gave the kids the option of either going to school tomorrow or going to the funeral. They decided to go to the funeral, but not because they don't like school. In fact, when we pulled them out on Friday morning, E was constantly worried about the tests she was missing that day. It made me realize that to adults, second grade tests are really inconsequential in our daily lives; but to a second grader, it was a major stressor. I need to remember this when they have things at school that are important to them. Even though it really isn't that big of deal for them in the grand scheme of things, it is important to them because it is happening now. I know that Brian was really glad they chose to go to the funeral with us. He was hoping that they would want to go, so that they could say goodbye to Grandad and so that they could possibly meet other family members that they had not known previously. E seriously considered going to school, and had told us that she would rather go to school. But then, she let A talk her into going to the funeral to meet more family. A is just like his daddy, always wanting to meet his family and have family time. I love that (and more) about both of them!

Once things settle back down for us, I think I will do a post about some book reviews. I've done a lot of reading lately, and maybe I can inspire someone to pick up a good book...

Saturday, March 31, 2012

The Circle of Life

On Sunday, March 25, 2012, Brian's sister and her husband welcomed their 3rd child into the world! Mike is a beautiful, healthy baby boy. He was 7 pounds, 3 ounces and 19.5 inches long. We are so excited to have another super little one around!! He's so adorable!!

On Friday, March 30, 2012, Brian's Gradad (his grandpa) passed away at 9:39 am of cancer. He lived a long, full life, spent serving his country in World War II and creating a wonderful family with his wife.

The kids left for school on the bus at about 7:30 that  morning, and Brian and I were trying to become fully awake when we get a phone call from Nana saying that Grandad is in the hospital and he isn't expected to make it the rest of the day. We stay at home long enough to wake up a little more, shower, run by the library, and get the kids from school before we drive down to Moore to say goodbye to Grandad. We explain to the kids on the way what is going on, and because they are so young, they don't really understand all of it. We are about halfway to Moore when we get another phone call on my cell saying that Grandad had passed away. Because Brian was driving, I answer the phone, and was told to tell him the news. It's one of the hardest things I've ever had to say to him. We had expected this for a while, but it still hurts.
Throughout the course of the day, we had family who had to go back to work that afternoon, and the kids were really bored, so we sent them back home with Aunt K. Most of the extended family leaves, but say that they will be back later that night. We have to meet at the funeral home to finalize arrangements at 2:30, and while we are killing time waiting on that to happen, conversation turns to some OK government official, mayor, I think. It gets brought up that his son shot himself and it becomes a focal point of the conversation. Brian looks over at me and asks me, "Are you okay, sweetie?" By him asking that, immediately, I'm not okay. I would have been a little upset but able to hide it if he hadn't asked me. So, I start crying and I'm hurting. It then has to be explained to everyone else in the room why I'm so upset at a general conversation about a man's suicide. Everybody apologized a lot, and I told them that I was okay, and that its just one of those things that is going to happen from time to time. I would rather this conversation happen with family than with strangers who don't care if they upset me. The rest of the day, however, I don't stop thinking about Chris. I can't help it. Grandad's funeral on Monday will be the first funeral that I've been to since Chris' in 2011.
At 2:30, when we go to the funeral home, we walk in the door of the lobby and immediately, I'm back in that place, mentally, where I was when I helped with Chris' arrangements. Almost everybody goes back into the back office when it's time, and they invite me to come with them. I decide to stay in the lobby. I don't want to go back in there. Part of it was out of respect. They all knew Grandad way more than I ever did, but part of it was selfish reasons. I didn't want to be put in the same position of helping make different decisions about something I was not ready to make.

Yesterday was such a long day. This whole week has been really long. Brian has gone to OKC every day this week, and he is exhausted. Then he losses his grandfather. Thankfully, he got yesterday off of work to spend time with the family.

I'm sad. We will need one less boutonniere at our wedding, and one more little silver candle of remembrance. We will cherish the memories that we had of our lost loved ones. We will always remember the love that was shared between us. We will continue to welcome new life into our family.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

decorations!!

Mom emailed me a picture tonight of one of the wedding aisle decoration bouquets! I was so excited that I had to post a picture on Facebook, and on here as well! Plus, this way I can pin it to Pinterest and hopefully other brides can use it (or a variation of it) for their wedding! So yes, please pin to Pinterest, if you feel inclined to do so!

  



The only thing that this is missing is the ribbon to tie it to the chair!!! Thanks, mom!!! 

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

dresses, flowers, and kids! OH MY!

So much has happened recently!

We found my wedding dress!!!! After trying on 3 other dresses, I slipped this one on and instantly loved it! I knew before I walked out to show my "entourage" that this was definitely in the top 2. When I went to try on dresses, I didn't go in expecting to find my dress. I had found 3 dresses online at David's Bridal and had printed off their pictures; I texted several women who are important to me and told them if they wanted to come to the appointment, they were more than welcome to. That day, I took my mom, my future mother-in-law, my future sister-in-law, my Aunt Jenny, and her daughter Haley dress shopping with me. I'm so glad that they were all able to make it and share in this special once in a lifetime experience! I went in expecting to try on one style. When the bridal consultant saw what I was looking for, she let me try on what I came to try on, and then she said, "If it is okay with you, I am going to pull another dress or two that you might like better, even if they are out of your comfort zone." Since I had the pressure of my mother just beyond the fitting room door, I said okay. She brought this one back in, along with a lace gown. I LOVED this one. It fit so beautifully. It is the only dress that I've ever worn that I want to put back on and wear more than once. I NEVER wear dresses, and I certainly never get the urge to put one on just because. For some reason though, with this one, I want to wear it just because I feel so beautiful in it!
My dress! 


 The same day we went and found my wedding dress, my mom and I had spent that morning in Hobby Lobby picking out what flowers I wanted for the ceremony. I had some idea that it was going to be difficult to decide this part, but I didn't think it was going to be SO hard. At one point, I cried, but in the end, we put together something that I am very happy with!
Center aisle arrangement
 Mom is gracious enough to make yellow calla lily boutonnieres for all the men. We picked out 2 large purple roses for both my MoH and my bridesmaid to carry. We got the basket for my flower girl, we still have to get the petals for her. The only thing we have left is to get my bouquet, women's corsages (which I have entrusted to my mom to make), and the reception decorations.

For those family members who can't attend our wedding because they are no longer with us, but have become our angels, we are setting up a memorial table and a memorial candle in their honor. Mom thought that it was going to be depressing, but Brian and I want it, so we will have it! 


In other, non-wedding related news, I have started kind of doing yoga. I actually just got my yoga mat in yesterday, and I'm really not very good at it yet. I love doing it though! I feel really good afterwards!

Brian's Grandad is getting worse. :( We found out recently that he has cancer. We didn't realize until yesterday that more than 75% of his lungs are covered in cancer cells. Brian's dad (the kids call him Grandy, so that is how I will refer to him here) is in denial about how bad it really is. The whole family is worried that we will have a funeral to attend within the next month or so. Please pray for Grandad, and Naw (his wife), and of course the rest of us. We don't know what is going to happen to Naw after Grandad leaves, but we all trust that God will provide. 

The kids went to Arkansas for Spring Break (I think I mentioned this earlier, sorry for the repetition), and they seemed to have a good time. I was a little worried that when they came back, they were going to compare me to Kim and then wouldn't like me. Or didn't want me and Brian to get married. Thankfully, nothing like that happened! On Sunday while Brian was at work, I let them watch The Wizard of Oz from 1939 with Judy Garland. Then, they grabbed showers and we played their favorite card games until bedtime. Aaron's favorite is Uno, and he really likes the one that we got for Christmas from my mom, it's the Mod version. Emily's favorite is Bandits, also a Christmas gift. :) We also really enjoy playing Left, Right, Center. I'm glad that they are back home now, though. The house was too quiet with Brian working nights.

Friday, March 16, 2012

I'm so blessed

When Brian and I started dating, I knew that our relationship had the possibility to turn into a lifetime. In youth group in middle school and high school, we covered a lesson a couple of times, and my youth pastor reiterated to not date someone unless you can see yourself marrying them. Dating is about finding out what qualities in another person that you like and desire for your future spouse, so his advice made some sense. It wasn't until I was actually starting to date how much more sense it made to me.

Brian had 2 kids when he and I started dating. I knew going into the relationship, that if this turned out to be a secure, long-term love affair, I would be "mom" to his kids. Based on what he had told me about his ex-wife (the mother of his kids), I was going to be more of a mother to them without even trying too hard.

When I met the kids, I loved them instantly. It wasn't long after I moved in that they started calling me "mom", and the second day that I was here (still just visiting), E asked me to never leave. She asked me to always live with them. I almost cried!

The first time Brian's ex called the house, she didn't even ask to talk to the kids. What kind of a mom calls her ex-husband's phone and doesn't ask to speak with her children?! I was appalled. This mother thing was already going well for me. There have been at least 4 calls where she has called and not spoken to the kids. Last fall, when we were going through all of the earthquakes here in OK, she didn't call to check on the kids, she didn't care if they were okay (to be fair, I'm quite certain that she cared, but she didn't show that she did). E would get really bad stomach aches at night, and Brian and I had decided that she was scared of the earthquakes. But what about when she got stomach aches in the few days leading up to the Christmas trip to their mom's?

She called again, to arrange the meeting place and time for tomorrow. We are taking the kids to meet their mom in Tulsa. She didn't ask to talk to them, and they are so excited to see her. If she only knew how awesome her kids are, she would want to know everything that they do. She doesn't ask about their grades, and she hasn't bothered to order very many school pictures. The only reason she ordered some this year was because we called and asked if she wanted to.

I am so lucky that I have these two little blessings in my life. They are very intelligent, very polite kids! I have no idea why "she" doesn't want to know about them.

Based on my experience with divorced parents and their interactions with each other, I thought that it was going to be a living nightmare dealing with Brian's ex. I was completely surprised by how little she interacts with the kids. She'll call about once every month and a half, and sees them about 3 times a year. She has always been civil with me when we have to talk on the phone, much like tonight. It's easier dealing with her than I ever thought possible, but part of it is because she doesn't engage the kids very often. I feel like if she did, she and I would have similar problems that my mom and step-mom had...

Recently, both A and E have been saying, "You're the best mommy!" to me. I tell A that he is the best son in the world, and I tell E that she is the best daughter in the world. When Brian and I have our own kids, I will have to change that to "A, you are the best oldest son in the world!" and "E, you are the best oldest daughter in the world!", much like my mom did with me and my younger sister. Being called the "best" mommy, when I'm not even their birth mom is so amazing!!! I love that feeling.

Brian was right, (in my opinion) I am a better mom than she is, and I don't have to try all that hard!

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Yay!

Guess who finally has 2 followers?! lol but really, it's taken so long to get even one follower, but now I have a grand total of 2. My dad is not one of those two!! (hint, hint).

Today, I made the appointment to try on wedding dresses!!!!! It is next Thursday at 4, and I already have 3 dresses that I want to pick from. The only downside is that they are online only, so I can't try them on, until I order it. One of them is knit jersey, and I LOVE wearing jersey anything. The sheets on my bed are knit jersey. So much more comfortable!

Mom is coming to see me, too! She will be here next Wednesday night and go with me to the appointment on Thursday.

As soon as I can figure out how to register the picture from David's Bridal's website, I'll do it! It might be on the next post, but I will try to get them up here for you!

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

The best is yet to come!

Since I moved from Amarillo to Chandler, I have been super busy! After the last post, things really started picking up with my work and with the kids school. I worked part time at Bath & Body Works for the holiday season, and I LOVED it! I left on great terms this New Year, so I'm hoping that they will hire me back this holiday season! 
 
On December 18th, Brian took me to the Myriad Gardens in OKC and we had a day out! It was so much fun, made even sweeter by the wedding proposal at the end of it! I loved getting to call my Dad and telling him that I'm getting married to the perfect man for me! 

We are looking at buying a house this summer and moving in after the wedding, which will be on June 23!!! I'm still working on the wedding invitations to get them sent out, but hopefully after Brian gets home from work tonight, he will help me get another 30 done...

I have a couple of new blogs that I'm following (not that anybody is actually reading this, but if you do, you might be interested in them!) My Dad has a brand new blog about breakfast and life lessons. It is freaking hilarious so far. Hopefully, when I send him some of my breakfast stories, he will put them up as well! A friend of mine from high school has a blog up, that I just found out about today. She is traveling abroad from Texas and you can read about her adventures here. On the addictive website that is Pinterest, I found a number of great blogs, such as Chef In Training.

I have continued taking life one day at a time, and living for now. I am still attending the support group in OKC for survivor's of suicide (you might need to scroll down on the page for the info) on Monday nights when I can and they are such a huge blessing to have!

I think that's all for now, I'm going to try to get better at this, I promise!