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Thursday, April 7, 2011

once again...

I find myself sitting at the Barnes and Noble Cafe (that serves Starbucks), enjoying a black tea lemonade (I highly recommend it).

Today was a little rough. I texted Daddy last night and he said that he went to his first "group hug session" since Chris died. I am proud of him for going, because I know that he is not the type of person who believes that sometimes people just need help; he is the type of person who wants to do everything on his own and will use counseling as a last resort. I'm proud to be his daughter, despite his own issues. Nobody is perfect, but he does what he can. Anywho, I was talking to him earlier this afternoon and I asked him how the session went. He replied with "Ok I suppose..." I told him that I was scared of going to my own group therapy session with Grandma/Grandpa, Aunt L, Aunt R, and E. The Hope and Healing Place here has been moving excruciatingly slow and I am getting tired of being patient with them. Aunt L feels the same way, I know she does. When I told Daddy that I was scared to go and why, he told me that he thought that it was a good idea to try it anyway. I was going to try it anyway. We also talked about how I handled things when I first found out on that horrible February morning.

He didn't know that I had written Chris a letter a few days later. He had no idea that I burned it so that it stayed strictly between me and Chris. He didn't know that I still write him, more now than ever. My letters to him is my own on-going conversation with my dead uncle. Sometimes, I feel silly writing them because I know that he is never going to read them. If someone where to pick up the spiral that I keep them all in (except for that first one, obviously), then I am sure they would think that I am certifiably insane. I talk to Chris in my letters as if I am sitting right next to him, just carrying on a conversation. I know that people deal with grief in their own way, but I feel like I'm doing something wrong. I think that part of the reason I am scared of the Hope and Healing Place is because they will tell me that it is unhealthy for me to continue writing to Chris. That is actually a really big fear of mine. What will I do if they tell me that I should stop?? Writing is my outlet. It's how I am able to keep some sense of normalcy in this crazy world of mine.

Yes, I do have a few people that I can talk to and not worry as much about what they think about me/what I say/feel. But what happens when they get tired of listening to me talk?? What happens when they get tired of me just breaking down and crying with no prior notice about Chris?? How will I deal with the pressure and feelings then?? People have always told me that they will be here for me, but I know that one day, I'll keep talking even 5 minutes longer than what they want to listen to, and then they'll gradually hate listening. It may be a slower process, or it may happen pretty quickly after that extended period of time; but it will happen. What then??

I haven't written to Chris yet today. And I didn't do it yesterday either. I need to do it. I guess it's a good thing that I have my Chris spiral with me and a pen. I think that letters like that should be handwritten. Plus, I like handwriting things...

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