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Monday, July 11, 2011

"Even if it costs you to die"

I'm sitting here, listening to my 9 year old cousin, E, playing with one of his other little 9 year old buddies. They are on XBox doing the mike/headset conversation thing, playing COD. E's buddy told E "even if it costs you to die, I want to get the game winning kill." Since when do 9 year olds play games where they feel comfortable asking someone to sacrifice their life just to get more points?! My 8 and 7 year old brothers play this game too, and I don't really think that it's okay.

Last night, I was up for a while. I called Brian and we had a very good conversation about me, even if it was uncomfortable for me in some spots. It was something that he and I had to discuss and he is concerned about me. I know that we will be okay; we will work through this together. It's so refreshing to know that I have found someone who loves me enough to work with me and to love me, even on my bad days. I have no idea what I did to deserve him, but I will never let him go.

Tonight, we have the first big group therapy session since Chris died. It has been almost 6 months since he took his life, and I am just now going to talk to someone about it. Brian asked me to tell the grief counselor tonight what has been going through my head lately. I need to talk about it.

I cried so much last night. And I still feel drained, emotionally and physically. I've said about 20 words all morning, and I've been awake for almost 2 hours. I'm glad that I don't have to focus on work today. All that I really need to do is to shower, finish my laundry, and do this meeting tonight.

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