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Tuesday, March 29, 2011

I GOT THE JOB!!!!!

I got a phone call this morning while Aunt L and I were in a meeting (more about that later...) and was offered the job at Michael's!!! I start on Sunday morning at 11 AM!! I'm so excited.

So the meeting this morning was getting background info on the family and the family structure with Chris and all that. Roy (the dude we talked to) told us that the family program that they have doesn't start until August and it is four and a half months long, so we can't do a whole lot with the Hope and Healing Place until then. But they did say that they are going to be open to us to use and would like it if we came to them. They are all about safety of the "clients". They wanted to make the rooms inviting and safe for everyone who walked in the door. They are also really big on confidentiality, which if they weren't I'd have a lot more negative things to say about them. I know that I need some private, one-on-one counseling, but I am really reluctant to do group therapy. I've never had good experiences in group therapy. I know that it is family, but that just makes it even more daunting. I know that I would hide what I'm really thinking and feeling just to try to somehow protect them. I'm not sure why this is a big deal to me to try to do that. I mean, we are here because we don't know how to communicate and feel free to do so. It's going to take some time for all of us to get comfortable and used to the idea of talking without reservation about Chris.

I got to talk to my Daddy today. He asked how everybody was doing since Chris died. He didn't really ask about me, but I think that it is because he knew that I was driving during our phone call and it wouldn't have been a good idea for me to start crying. He is really worried about Grandma and Ethan. We all are. Especially about Grandma. Grandma and Chris had a super strong, very special relationship that can't be topped.

It's been a good day!!

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Michael's

Thursday afternoon, I got a phone call from Joanna at Michael's craft store and she asked me for an interview. The interview was scheduled for Friday afternoon and I'm pretty sure that I got the job. I was feeling pretty confident about the interview after Joanna and I were done, and apparently she felt the same way. The store manager, Greg, bumped back another interview/appointment in order to complete mine first!! That can only be a good sign, right?! And they talked about doing background checks, so I'm definitely in the running for this job!! I'm so excited that I might actually be getting a paycheck soon again!! I definitely need it...

In other news...there really isn't much other news. Except I've been consuming greater quantities of Dr. Pepper and hot dogs. This is because at virtually every corner, there is a gas station that has 44 oz. cups and Dr. Pepper at the fountain. All of it for 79 cents. Yeah, I've had a Dr. Pepper every day for the last week and a half. And the hot dogs...well, there is a REALLY GOOD hot dog stand downtown, on Polk Street. OMG. Their "Downtown Dog" is to die for. Plump juicy hot dog, covered in jalepeno chili, onions, and cheese. It is quite literally, in explosion of wonderful in your mouth. :) It's that good. The down side is that they are only open M-F for lunch and Fri & Sat nights from 9pm to 2:30am.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Change is a good thing, right?

I have finally moved. I am out of my Dad's house and semi on my own. I am still looking for a job, but I have sent out many many applications and I'm hoping that a few of them call me back soon. I'm waiting on mail to come in so that I can get a library card and start using that resource.

Brian and I are doing fantastically well. We still haven't seen each other and I'm pretty upset that our plans fell through for Spring Break, but I know that his ex will do things like this from time to time and really try to push my buttons, especially after she realizes that Brian has other plans and is over her. That's just the kind of person she is. I'm so excited to meet his family and I know that every day, he loves me more. I love him more and more. I am so excited for our future. We have really gotten closer here lately. He has been very patient with me, especially when I am dealing with my bad days; similar to today...

The last few days, I have been mentally and emotionally exhausted. I go from Daddy's house where talking about Chris was completely unheard of to Grandma, Grandpa, Aunt L and Aunt R who truly knew Chris. They (now "we") talk about him all the time. All of the emotions that I'm feeling are happening for the very first time. I have been reading a book, titled After Suicide from Mardel, and I have been kind of frustrated with it. They keep saying things like "almost everybody feels...you may feel...you may think". I don't fit into most of those categories. Actually, I only fit into one. I got really mad at him when I found out about it. I am going to join the rest of the family at group therapy once that gets started. I'm curious to see how everybody else is feeling and how they are dealing with their emotions. Time heals most of this, so I guess I'll have to be patient.

I'm glad that I have someone who is understanding and who is willing to help me through all of this.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

It's been a week

A lot has happened this week.
I went to see Uncle Chris twice this week. The first time I went, it was to pick out his headstone marker. The second time was to release more balloons, say a few words, and have a picnic. It was a lot of fun. I'm sure people thought that we were weird for having a picnic at the cemetery, but the kiddos had a great time.

I got to spend a few minutes alone with Chris and I feel better. I also wrote him another letter. This one didn't get burned. Instead, I think that I'm going to keep it in a spiral notebook and write more to him whenever I feel like it.

Today starts packing for the move. The move will bring about some changes, including in how frequently I have the ability to connect to the internet, so my posts may disappear for a while. Please check back every so often though. I do want to continue blogging. I like it. :)

Time to shower and commence with the packing.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

updates!!

I have good news and I have bad news. Let's start with the bad so that we can end on a good note, yes?! Yes. 

Bad news: 
  • Today, we found out that Michael, my 2nd grade brother, lost his elementary school teacher. She passed away this morning after some complications with an outpatient procedure that she had done. He's pretty torn up about it. She was his teacher last year and this year, and she was one of the teachers who chose not to give up on Michael. She was the type of teacher that everybody looked up to and respected. 
  • My mother decided to ask the AG of Texas to freeze all of Dad's bank accounts for back child-support due to her. So, we may lose the house and the car. That was awfully nice of my mom, wasn't it?? 
  • Sarah and Julia both had to go to the doctor's office today. We suspected that Julia had strep and got that confirmed. But we also learned that Sarah also has strep. They are both on antibiotics, and with money being the way it is right now, I pray to God that nobody else gets sick. We just can't afford it. 
Good news:
  • My Aunt L and Grandma have invited me to move in with them near Amarillo so that I can get some much needed job experience and include that on a resume, plus I'll be getting out of this place for a while. It would mean that I would no longer stuck here!! :D I'm going to move!! I'm excited. 
  • I fall more in love with Brian every day. I know that I go on and on about him, but it's really true. I can talk to him about anything (and trust me, I do). He listens to me, offers advice and solutions, but more importantly, he lets me know that my problems are important to him. He cares about me and where I am at with everything. He makes an effort to get to know my family until he can meet them, and I do the same for him. His mom just got a new young horse and she is severely malnourished. They are all doing everything that they can to save her life, and it's little things like knowing that his mom LOVES horses is interesting to me. I learned tonight that his dad and I grew up in similar households, but his mom and I also have some in common from our upbringings. His family is the epitome of the family that I want for my kids someday. I want my kids to feel like they can ask for help when they need it, and I want them to feel like they can help each other out without things being awkward or "unnatural" for them. I love him more tonight than I did last month, last week even.
  • I got an email from my Aunt B tonight. She was just checking up on me, since Uncle C died. She wants to make sure that I'm doing okay and she has invited me to hang out and visit sometime soon. I'm excited to do it!! It'll be good for both of us, I'm sure of it. 
It's going to take more time to deal with the bad stuff, and I know that if it isn't one thing that is "bad" that it's another, but right now, I'm doing the best that I can with what I've been given. I'm just simply living my life. I love this crazy, sad, beautiful, wonderful, mess. 

Monday, March 7, 2011

"I'm happy that you're happy tonight!!"

Things may be turning around for me finally!!!

I got a call from my aunt and she invited me to move in with her. It's away from Dad's house, and I'd be able to depend on myself more. I'd have the opportunity to borrow a car to get to and from work until I can save up to get my own car, then I'll continue to save some more until I am able to move out, and finally go to Stillwater!!!!!

More details later. I still have to run things by Dad and I'd like to talk to Grandma about it too!!

Brian and I had a fantastic conversation tonight too and I'm so lucky to have his support in my life. I always wanted my best friend and significant other to be my biggest cheerleader, and he's 100% behind me!! He's so happy for me. This may take us geographically farther apart for a while, but it is closer to my ultimate goal. He's perfect for me!!

Sunday, March 6, 2011

:/

The party for the little brother went pretty well today. The cake looks fantastic.

After the party, I found out that students from my high school had passed away in a horrible house fire early this morning. 7 people died, 2 were from my high school, and my sister knew both of them, plus another one that died. Death seems to be following me around lately. It is weird. That brings my death toll up to 6 from just February 1st. It's lovely.

I'm tired and have a lunch and shopping date with my best friend tomorrow.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

"You've just had some bad luck lately"

I talked to my Aunt L today. I love talking to her.
I wish I had talked to Brian today. I love talking to him too.

I got an email today from Brian that left me with the impression that I won't be able to see him over Spring Break after all. His ex wife is pulling some dumb blonde (no offense to my blonde readers) moves and can't (in my opinion, won't) get the kids. She hasn't seen them in almost a month now and Brian is furious and surprised at her actions. I can't say that I'm surprised. I kind of saw this coming. It hasn't been the first time she has messed up plans between me and Brian, and I know that it won't be the last. I'm still not sure whether or not I'll get to go on break for Spring Break. I need to get away from the kids, out of the house, out of Texas for a little while. I miss my friends (the few that I have now, anyway). I miss having my own life where I don't have to worry about where the baby is, who is cooking dinner tonight, and whose turn it is for the bathtub. I'm not a parent yet. I wasn't born to be a live-in babysitter for my parents.

In the last 2 days, we found out that another 2 friends of the family passed away. They both passed away in their sleep. One of them was younger than 30 and was best friends with Aunt J. She is really torn up about it. The other one was in B.A.C.A. (Bikers Against Child Abuse; an organization of bikers who defended innocent children from abusive situations; for more info, click here) with mom and dad. I didn't know either of these men personally, but what bothers me so much is the fact that their deaths are just more stressors for my immediate family.

I'm tired and I need to look up places to get grief counseling (either online or some where close to home) that is free. Any suggestions from anybody is greatly appreciated. Any kind words would be great too, just as an assurance that somebody, somewhere is actually interested in what I have to say, even if it is mundane.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

"Your toes are red!!!"

It has been a freaking long day!!! We got up and was out of the house by 10:30 this morning, we stopped by Aunt B's house to drop off the birthday invitations for Michael's birthday party on Sunday. While we were there, B's little one noticed that my toe nails had been painted a really sparkly red color. He thought it was worth pointing out to me (which I already knew, since I painted them) and got really excited. 

We ran some more errands, which included going over to my mom's house and dropping off her and Theresa (my sister) their Valentine's Day cards, almost a month late. But better late than never, right?! 

We came back and did some major landscaping work on the front yard. We have plans to finish the rest, but moving 25 squares of sod and four 40 pound bags of topsoil around really takes a lot out of two people, so we will finish it later. We also dug about 6 inches all the way around parts of the sidewalk and driveway in order to lay edging down to keep the runoff of dirt and rain to a minimum. That was even harder work, considering all of the roots and rocks that we kept encountering. 

I'm exhausted. I love my Brian. I love my family. I love my life. 

I'm in a good place right now, despite the grief and stress around me. 

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

el jardin

Apparently, every Spring, my mom likes to make up her garden. The boys always want to plant vegetables and mom wants flowers. The last 2 days, we have been clearing and planting flowers and vegetables in the front flower bed, the back flower bed, the veggie garden, and the back pond. While we were clearing weeds out of the back veggie garden, I found two acorns that had started to take root to grow into trees. I decided that I was going to replant the first one that I found in the very back yard. Since we live next to a creek and a forested area, I knew that as long as I was able to keep the animals from digging it back up, it would thrive pretty well back there. I was going to plant the second rooted acorn back there too, but then mom gave me the idea to put it in a pot and maintain it. Then when I bought my first home, I could replant it there, in my new yard. I thought that it was a great idea, so today, I planted that into a pot. It will have to be transferred into a bigger pot soon, but for right now, it will be okay where it is. I hope that I am able to buy/rent a place before it gets too big to be in a pot.

On a completely different note, I have a beautiful romance with the most wonderful man ever. We have plans for Spring Break and I am super excited. I really hope we are able to make things work. Our big deal is that we are going to meet each other's family/parents for the first time. I'm nervous for him to meet my mom mom. I know that my stepmom and daddy won't really be a problem. From what I know of his family, they are all very sweet and loving people, so I'm not that worried about meeting them. I want to spend forever with him. Period. He's wonderful and what we have is so beautiful and precious. It is something that I treasure and guard with my life. I love him.

Another big day tomorrow. Goodnight!! :)