I have been looking for a job, and I found it. Awesome!!
I'm in a fantastic relationship with a loving, wonderful man. Awesome!!
I found free wifi close to the apartment. Awesome!!
These last few weeks, I've had a really hard time dealing with the suicide of Chris and "taking a break" from school. I have had my issues with depression and feelings of isolation and abandonment even. I've had to learn how to deal with all of these emotions at once and simultaneously being cautious of the feelings of the family around me. I have been super sensitive to Aunt L's feelings about Chris.
Just recently, I've really come to realize how important it is that I have my people. I was talking to Aunt L last night and it surprised me how people surprise me. Does that make any sense?! The friends that I knew would "be there" for me after Chris died and with the stuff surrounding that, weren't. Other friends really stepped up and surprised me by just listening to me. A select few have been there for me at all times of the day and night when I just needed a reassuring text or encouraging phone call. A lot of times, they didn't know what to say or what to do to make things okay again. In a situation like this, there is nothing that can be done or said to make things better. I've told them this, but they still want to help. They still wish good things for me. That is more than any of my other "friends" have done.
Even some of my family hasn't been there. I still can't talk to Daddy about it. It's almost as if Chris never shot himself. But he did. We all know it. We can't change it or fix it. It just happened.
Special thanks goes out to Brian. He has listened to me cry over Chris (and other random stuff) several times and hasn't been afraid of my feelings and what I've said.
Another special thank you goes to Melissa. We have both needed friends here lately, and I'm proud to call her my best friend. She and I know what it's like to feel isolated and alone in a town that we don't necessarily call "home".
And of course, there is Jason. We dated for a while and to be honest, I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to have a friendship after the breakup. Through lots of determination on his part (I for sure ignored him on more than one occasion), and some forgiveness on mine, we have made it work. He and I are best friends too!!
To those "friends" who talked the talk, but didn't (or wouldn't) walk the walk, I'm doing just fine. Thanks for asking. Hope your lives are better without me, because to be honest, I'm not sure I want to be back in yours. Yes, it was fun while we hung out, and you will always be a friend, but there is a reason the people from your past very rarely show up in your present or future.
And to Arturo. I don't even know what to say. I knew you would be there to help me through this time of change and uncertainty and you weren't.