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Sunday, February 27, 2011

"Is that something to save me from the tower with?!"

The stereotypical little girl's dream is to be swept off of her feet by prince charming who came to save her from the super tall tower and to ride of on the back of a white horse into a perfect sunset. My cousin T is no exception, and she is only 4 years old. Yesterday, I took most of the kids out into the backyard to play and she was playing the princess, which meant that Clay was the obligatory prince coming to save her from the play fort turned tower.

This morning, I woke up from a dream in which I got engaged -- sort of. Basically though, Brian was in the dream and had come to town to visit me (I'm not sure where I was at, but it definitely wasn't Dad's house), but he had brought a female "friend" with him. He said that she was just here to hang out with the kids (why I was watching his kids in a different town, I'll never know). Brian, this friend of his, and I all went on a walk together and on the way back home, his lady friend started walking several feet in front of us. About that same time, Brian pulls me off to the side of the road and gets down on one knee. Realizing what he is fixing to do, my knees buckle and I join him on the ground with tears streaming down my face. He opened the ring box and there were two costume jewelry rings inside. He told me that I could have my pick of whichever ring that I wanted. After he said that, he pulls the pink ring out of the box and tells me that if I don't accept his marriage proposal, he is going to ask his lady friend to marry him. I tell him yes (not because I don't want them to get married, but because I actually wanted to marry him). I lean in to kiss him and he doesn't do anything at all. He doesn't try to kiss me back; instead, he has a really disappointed, even hurt, look on his face. When I ask him what was wrong, he tells me that I did something wrong. Apparently, when my knees buckled and I started crying, he took it the wrong way. As I gave the ring back to him, I told him that a proposal wasn't supposed to be like this (having another woman waiting around the corner as a potential fiancĂ©e) and that he should know that my feelings for him were real. He didn't hold my hand or talk to me for the rest of the dream.

It was super trippy. I didn't like it. After him making me cry on the phone on Friday night, not talking to him Saturday night, and waking up from that crazy dream this morning, I'm ready to talk to him. I've been apprehensive about it all day, but I think that it should go okay.

We sent all of the out of town family on their way this evening after family pictures at the park. After we get those, I'll put a couple of them up here. My Aunt J took the pictures this time, and she is a more experienced photographer than I am.

I'm tired and ready for this week to be over already, and it's only Sunday night.

Friday, February 25, 2011

....uh what?

So, the party...Started out okay. We all got ready and went to the cigar shop and hung out with everybody. Then Grandma and Grandpa showed up and we were finally able to dig into the cake. A little while later, we came home where we met Uncle E and Aunt J. They left their two girls here (ages 4 and 9), bringing my total kid to adult ratio to 7:1. 4 of the kids are siblings, which aren't a problem. 2 are cousins. 1 is the child of one of dad's high school friends. One sibling, the 9-year old cousin, and the friend's kid (who is 14) have been brats all night long. After I got all the little kids in bed, the older 3 decided to be teenager-ish and just be...ugh. I got fed up with it really quickly.

Then Brian called and made me cry, and not necessarily in a good way. He didn't understand that I was talking to the older kids and thought that I was being mean to the younger ones. He acted like my dad. I started crying because of all of it culminating together. After he began to realize what was going on over here, he apologized and we are good again.

Parents are finally back. Got to go.

There's gonna be cake!!!

The party tonight for mi padres is going to be so much fun!!! I'm super excited about it. My Aunt J and Uncle E (and maybe their kids) are driving into town for the first time since they moved to OK last summer to help us celebrate. Grandma B and Grandpa B are coming into town too, as soon as Grandma gets out of surgery today. There are other friends of Daddy's coming into town too.

We have the cake almost completely ready!! I'm so exited about it. I'll put pictures up later, when it is completely done!! And I will almost definitely have pictures from the party tonight!! :)

I'm so excited!!! :D (obviously I am, I keep using smilies...)

I need to get some shoes on and get the baby ready to go!!

Peace out, girl scout!!!!

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Just more of my life

Herro!!! :)

Today, we tackled the bathrooms, the shelf unit in the dining room (it's a big unit), Mom and Dad's bedroom, the front porch, and the back deck. And several loads of laundry. I feel pretty accomplished with all of that.

I also managed to read a little bit of my book. I've changed novels again, for those of you keeping track, now it's Stephen King's Firestarter. I got it from Aunt B on Monday after I babysat the kids. She told me that I could have it, since she wasn't the Stephen King fan in the house. I'm pretty sure Uncle C won't mind, since it's being read instead of just sitting on a shelf.

I got to talk to Melissa again tonight and we made plans to hang out on her Spring Break. I'm so glad that her university decided to have a SB week different than the rest of the world!! I get to see her, and then the next week, Brian comes and picks me up to spend SB with him!! I'm super excited about getting to see both of them. It's been quite a while...

We watched "American Idol" tonight when Daddy got home (we love our DVR) and I was sad that Hollie and Chris both got sent home. I wish that Clint had been sent home, I've never been a huge fan of his. I think that he talks too much, and after cutting Jaycee from the group last week, I'm not fond of his personality. I'm really glad that Ashley is gone though. She was too much of a cry-baby/drama queen for me to even begin to think of liking her.

Tonight, I didn't get to hear Brian tell me that he loves me. I know that he does, but I like hearing it too. His phone died and his brother was on the way to his place to watch movies and stay the night. That just means that we will talk tomorrow!!

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

:)

1.) I'm in a much better mood today than I was yesterday. Sometimes I think that it is amazing how my attitude can completely do a 180 in such a short amount of time.

2.) Since Michael has been on his medication, I've been super proud of him. He is the sweet little brother that I've missed lately.

3.) Party coming up on Friday. We are getting the house cleaned. Today, we tackled the boys' room and it took a while, but it looks fan-freaking-tastic!!

4.) That man makes my heart beat faster every time he says "I love you" to me. I love him so much. I can't wait to be back in the same state as him. These next 2.5 weeks can't go by fast enough. I'm so excited for Spring Break.

5.) Melissa (one of my best friends from high school) has had a falling out with a long time friend of hers. She asked me for advice today because she knows that I've been going through a lot of the same things lately with my friends. I told her that she had to do what was best for her. If calling it quits was what she needed to do, then do it. Especially since the other person isn't willing to give it a shot anymore. I love Mel so much. I wish I could give her a hug and veg out with Chinese food and chocolate ice cream.

I think those were the main highlights to my day. Parents are still arguing. It's tough to listen to Dad say things like "I'm the only one who takes responsibility in this house." I wasn't aware that "responsibility" meant going to your favorite hang-out spot for hours after work and coming home late, complaining that dinner was cold. I must have missed that memo; I was probably too busy applying for jobs or cleaning the boys' room, or maybe I was doing Dad's laundry. Who knows??

Monday, February 21, 2011

tough day

Woke up at 6:30 and made breakfast for everyone. Yay for easy scrambled eggs and a pot of coffee (for me only). Then, off to Aunt B's house for babysitting her two little ones. 

I didn't really think that it would be as hard as it was. The kids are still trying to grieve the loss of their daddy (my Uncle C). One of the hardest things that I've ever done is sit and play with two kids who didn't want me to be there. They wanted their daddy to be playing with them. The youngest (3 year old) is having extreme separation anxiety. When he wanted his mommy this afternoon, there was nothing I could do to stop him from crying. I know that he was thinking that mommy wouldn't come home from work, like daddy didn't come home that awful day. Both of the kiddos were extremely happy to see mommy walk back in the door. 

I was happy to see Aunt B too. 

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Is this really all I've got?

No job. No car. Living in my parent's house.

I'm really not as lame as I sound, I swear. Believe it or not, I do have friends...but they are in Oklahoma.
I'm so tired of being here. I'm bound and determined to get out of here ASAP. I have applied at 5 or 6 different places for work down here, I'm just waiting on someone to call me back. I have been trying to apply at places in Stillwater so that when I am able to move up there, I can have some sort of job security. I am holding off on that one until I can get a car though...

Working for my beautiful aunt tomorrow, babysitting those two precious children of hers. I love my family. Maybe borrowing The Grapes of Wrath too?? We'll see.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

exhaustion

I have no idea why I'm so exhausted. I didn't do anything today. At all. I slept late. Then, I watched some "Meteorite Men" with the family, then read some of The Canterbury Tales. That's pretty much it.

The boys and the parents went to the boy scouts' Blue & Gold Banquet tonight, leaving me and 2 of the sisters here to chill.

Now I'm waiting on Brian to call. Or fall asleep, whichever happens first.

Friday, February 18, 2011

$0.02

I just finished reading East of Eden by John Steinbeck. I have a new favorite book as well as a strong desire to read the rest of his books. One of my favorite characters in the book was Samuel Hamilton. He always had an insightful thing to say and it prompted me to think about several different issues.

One of my favorite quotes from the book is "Perhaps the best conversationalist in the world is the man who helps others to talk."

Beautiful.

Maybe he was right?! People love to talk about themselves. Who knows more about an individual than that particular individual?? Even if we don't know everything about ourselves (which is why college students make irrational choices sometimes, to try to "find" themselves), who knows us better?? Our parents may have a better memory of our past, our friends may have seen us at our worst, our dogs may see us when we get up in the morning, but the one constant thing in each of those scenarios is the individual.

Maybe I'm just blowing smoke and trying to be insightful. But maybe John Steinbeck was onto something.

Think about your best friend in high school. Why was that person your best friend?? Did she listen to you? You didn't even have to be talking about yourself, just any topic. Did she help you learn something by talking you through it? Maybe your college roommate brought over Chinese takeout and chocolate ice cream after your boyfriend dumped you via text. She let you talk it out. Then worked off all the junk food the next day (or quite possibly, the next week) with you.

Please, talk. I love to listen.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

quick note

After looking through the music that Brian sent me and talking to him on the phone tonight, I have a greater appreciation for my man. He told me that he went through and hand selected most (if not all) of the songs that he chose to include on the flash drive. He makes me feel so super duper special. :D

Today, I turned all of the new music on shuffle and cleaned my room!! I felt semi-accomplished. My excitedness never quite went away from the super fun way that I woke up this morning, it just translated into motivation to get other stuff done that I had been neglecting. I even made my bed. That's EPIC for me. I never make my bed. But I did today!!

By the way, Natalie Merchant is an awesome musician. If you don't listen to her, you need to start. NOW. :D "Wonder" is such a beautiful song.

Good night, all. I love the way he makes me feel!!

"Me! Me! Me!"

Sarah. 2 years old, calls me "Me" because she can't say "Em". I love her. She woke me up this morning with a package that we had just gotten in the mail. It was for me, from Brian!!!! :) I knew that it was Valentine's Day gifts from him. My two favorite people woke me up this morning. One of them, Sarah, is still sitting next to me, watching her "moobie" in my room. Brian sent me the most thoughtful gift!! I love my new coffee mug to drink out of. I finally got my first ever teddy bear from a guy too!!! Of course there was a card, but there was also a flash drive. Curious, I plugged it into my computer and opened it up. Brian has a whole bunch of music on his computer, from his army days. He sent me a lot of my favorite people and lots of new stuff that he wanted me to listen to!! There were also some files with pictures in them from family vacations and his cool kids' rooms that he painted/built himself!! 

I'm so super impressed with him. I can't wait for many more years, pictures, and music with him!!! 
<3

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

L.O.V.E.

I love that man. My favorite time of day is our nightly phone calls. We can (and do) talk about everything. He knows what is going on in my life, I know what is going on in his life; we know each others vices (something we are both still learning everyday). We talk about possibly having a future, we talk about our past, sometimes we don't talk. We did all of that tonight. He asked me how I would act if I ever met his ex-wife, even if she was uncivil to me. He asked me what our plan would be if the kids ever wanted to sleep in bed with us.


I spent another day filing. I finished the rest of it in 3 hours this afternoon, then I finished watching Season 1 of True Blood!! After that, I finished reading Saving Max by Antoinette van Heugten. It is definitely an interesting read. I have to find a new book though...Any suggestions?!

I love him.
They say "Home is where the heart is." He has my heart; he is in Oklahoma. So does that mean that my home is in Oklahoma? I certainly hope so; I can't wait to move back up there.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

"A-B-C-D-E-F-G..."

I am indeed alphabetically challenged, especially with the letters from "G" through "L" and "T" through "Z". Normally, this doesn't pose much of a problem; however, today was a different story. Dad needed help filing all of his papers into the correct case files for his law practice. Normally that would be a paralegal's job but since money is tight, I'm the next best thing. And I don't charge (although I probably should...). Anywho, after spending about 7 hours today filing, I was basically brain dead.

After we have the files in alphabetical order, Daddy wanted me to organize each piece of paper inside the files by reverse date order. So the newest dates go on top. Which means that I not only had to sing my ABCs, but I also had to say the months, starting in January and stopping only when I got to the correct month. At least I didn't have to do numbers. I'm horrible at numbers.

For a simple task such as filing, there is quite a bit of sitting, reaching, and bending; I'm a little sore.

Overall, not a bad day. I helped mom make chicken enchiladas for dinner, then had to clean up the mess that Sarah made when she got into my makeup...

Waiting for some emails from Brian!! I miss him so much. Valentine's Day yesterday without him was a little rough. It could be worse though.

Fun fact: Valentine's Day 2011 is the first Valentine's Day in my life where I've had a valentine!! Even though we are constantly 4 hours away, we are making things work, even on V-Day. I'm thinking that his V-Day gift from me hasn't arrived at his house yet, he hasn't said anything about it. I can't wait until I get to move back up to Oklahoma. I miss it.

Hope you guys had a great Valentine's Day yesterday and a great Tuesday today!! Feel free to eat a piece of V-Day candy for me, since my siblings didn't share any of theirs!!

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Photo Op by the River

This morning when I woke up, I walked into the living room and both of the boys had already had baths and were in some nicer clothing, the baby was in her brand new Valentine's Day outfit, mom was dressed up, and Jules was well on her way to being dressed nicer than her usual jeans and a t-shirt look. I was told that we were going to try to go take some pictures out by the Trinity River, near downtown. Mom said that their was some graffiti that looked nice as a back drop to some pictures. I found it kind of ironic. Some of the best artwork and picture back drops also happen to be one of society's pet peeves. So, in true Valentine's Day spirit, I showered and dressed in a "date night" outfit that consisted of my best dark jeans, hot pink tank, and a white cotton blouse on top. Black flats completed the look. Dad finally got around to getting showered and clean-shaven, then we piled into the car and headed out.

I got some great pictures, and because we were all pretty scatter-brained after the last 2 weeks, nobody had remembered to grab an actual camera, so we took the photos on my camera phone and my mom's iPhone. My pictures turned out better than hers did...

One of my favorites was this one, where the sunlight shone through the tree branches. I didn't realize what I had captured until after we left. I had on my sunglasses and because they are polarized, I wasn't able to get a very good idea of what was on the screen while I took the picture.

And, I've always wanted a "shadow picture". I even got a bonus because it contains 3 family generations into one pretty impressive picture...

It's been a pretty relaxed day. It has helped that there wasn't anything major going on today and I felt great about myself. A little makeup and nicer style never hurt anyone...

Friday, February 11, 2011

Two weeks notice

I always have a really hard time coming up with cute and creative titles. I just spent 3 minutes trying to figure something out, then decided that I could write my post before coming up with a title.

It's been an excruciatingly hard two weeks. Last Tuesday morning (February 1, 2011) at 3 AM, my parents got a phone call from my aunt who lives about 20 minutes away. She said that my uncle Chris (my daddy's brother) never came home from work on Monday night. The last she had heard from him was around 2 PM on Monday. I knew that something was wrong when they left to go find Chris. Let me start from the beginning.

1:15 AM
It starts snowing. The snow and ice combination finally hit our area. It's going to be bad, they have already cancelled school.

3:08 AM
Mom comes into the living room to tell me that her and Daddy are going to Uncle Chris and Aunt Bambi's house. "It's not...good." She said.

3:11 AM
Mom and Dad are both fully dressed and headed out the door. Mom said that she would call and to charge my phone. Dad didn't even look at me. He practically ran out the front door to the car. I knew then that something had happened to either one of my cousins (ages 6 and 3) or to my Uncle Chris.

4:00 AM
I'm so wound up that I can't sleep, but I go lay down anyway. I keep thinking to myself that Uncle Chris had died. That was the only explanation that I could give for Dad acting the way he did when he left. Mom sent me a text saying that I needed to get some sleep because, "We are going to need help with the kids tomorrow." I assumed that meant the cousins. That also meant that they were okay. It was my Uncle Chris.

5:03 AM
I haven't slept at all. I had been preparing myself for the worst-case scenario. Daddy calls me and asks for my Aunt Revenna and Uncle Cary's phone numbers. "Yes, I'll text them to you as soon as we hang up. What is going on?" The line went silent for about 5 seconds, but it felt like so much longer. "He's gone, Sugar." Daddy replies finally. He only calls me "Sugar" when he knows I'm about to start crying. He was right.

5:56 AM
Mom and Dad pull back up into the driveway. By now, I'm fully dressed and ready to walk out the door. I meet Dad at the street and we stand there, in the snow and below freezing temps, and just embrace each other and cry. He tells me that mom is staying here to help with the kids and tells me that he needs me here; so I stay.

7:13 PM
Dad finally comes back home from Bambi's house. He tells me that my Uncle Chris locked himself in his office and shot himself in the head. The wind had been knocked out of me for the second time in less than 24 hours and it was all I could do to walk back inside and take my coat off. I stood in the entry way to our house for a good 5 minutes, just leaning on the wall for some support. He had asked me not to tell the little kids, so when they asked, I wasn't able to say anything.


That was one of the hardest days of my entire life. I say "entire" like I've been here a long time. I was so angry at him. I managed to survive when I had issues, why couldn't he?! I still don't understand things. The visitation was last Friday night, and the funeral on Saturday morning.

It has now been a week. Most of the family has returned home, all of the friends (even a close friend who flew in all the way from Pittsburgh) had left. The only family from out of town left here now is Grandma (Daddy and Chris' mom) and she is leaving on Sunday morning.

One of the hardest things that I had to do was go last Sunday evening to the cemetery where Chris was buried. It wasn't hard because I didn't know him. It was hard because his two young children had no idea how great of an uncle he was to me. I am the oldest grandchild on Dad's side, therefore, I was Chris' oldest niece. He taught me how to skate using roller blades when I was 8 or 9. He let me nickname his purple little truck that he had in college "Barney" because I was in love with the stupid purple dinosaur. He had a nickname for me that only he was allowed to call me. I will always be his "Emily from Sicily". He fixed my computer for me every time that it crashed at school and I was a basket case.

Back to Sunday evening...Bambi called Grandma and Daddy and asked if they would like to join her and the kiddos to go to the cemetery to send Daddy (Uncle Chris) some pictures that they had colored for him. Bambi said that anybody else who wanted to go was more than welcome to come. I originally said "no" to the invite. I was ready for the Super Bowl to begin. After giving it some thought, I put on my trusty converse and my leather coat and told Dad that I'd like to come with them. We stopped at Albertson's on the way and Bambi went in and bought 6 balloons. She had the employee who filled the balloons with helium put the pictures from the kids in 3 of the balloons (2 pictures were from the 6 year old, and 1 picture was from the 3 year old). When we got to the grave side, she passed out the balloons. "I need a little boy...and now I need a little girl; you get two balloons because of both of your pictures...I also need a momma [my grandma]...and a big brother [my daddy]." I took pictures leading up to and just after the release of the balloons. One of the best sights ever was watching the kids' faces light up when they couldn't see their balloons any more because then they knew that their daddy had them and that he was looking at the pictures. For obvious reasons, they don't know about the manner in which he died. We all want to protect the memories that they have with him as being a good, loving father, which he was. He put everything into his family. They were the reason that he had survived as long as he had.

Dealing with that and getting this year started off right in other aspects of my life has taken quite the toll on my emotions. I had a slight breakdown last night. I pulled through it because of my closer-than-big-brother-best friend Arturo. I want to say that Brian has helped me through a lot of my emotions. He did, in the beginning of last week, when things were raw and hard; but that has kind of dwindled lately. We are both in a hard spot and we will get over it.

We are hanging out with Grandma tomorrow (later today) before she leaves on Sunday. I need to get some rest.

living_life hurts sometimes.