as I sit on the floor!!! Sitting on the floor is one of my personal favorite "guilty pleasures" in life. At Aunt L's apartment, we don't have the room to sit on the floor (plus, it is super hard and covered in nasty dog hair). I really do enjoy sitting on the floor though. When I had my own room at college, I loved sitting on the floor and watching tv. One of my favorite things to do was watch "Glee" with Sam. Tonight, it isn't "Glee", but it is still fun sitting on the floor and watching tv.
Another one of my favorite things to do ever is watch baseball. My 9-year old cousin, E, is on a local team. Last night and tonight, Grandma and I went over to watch his games. They lost both of them, but it is still fun to cheer on a team for baseball.
Tonight, I have had the privilege to both sit on the floor AND watch baseball!!! Yay!!! I also got to talk to my Mr. Right for a couple of minutes tonight. He is going to take care of his kiddos and start some housework, while I hang out with Grandma and visit with her tonight (assuming she ever gets off the phone...it's really sad, my Grandma gets more phone calls and texts than I do). He'll call me back a little bit later tonight so that we can talk!!
PS, Subway's Orchard Chicken Salad sandwich is amazing. Just so you know. It was dinner tonight and it was super yummy!!! :D
Is anybody having trouble with friends from high school?? Or feeling lonely in general??
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Emily's Fun Words List
I love fun words. I also love lists.
And all of these crazy, beautiful, awful, wonderful emotions that I've been dealing with lately have been put on a temporary hold for the time being (that may have been redundant, but I don't really care tonight). So, this is my fun words list...and their definitions (from www.urbandictionary.com unless otherwise noted); because what kind of word list would this be if definitions weren't included?!
And all of these crazy, beautiful, awful, wonderful emotions that I've been dealing with lately have been put on a temporary hold for the time being (that may have been redundant, but I don't really care tonight). So, this is my fun words list...and their definitions (from www.urbandictionary.com unless otherwise noted); because what kind of word list would this be if definitions weren't included?!
- "Redacted": *from here -- to put into suitable literary form; revise; edit
- "Tacky": in bad taste
- "Tank": *from here -- a large receptacle, container, or structure for holding a liquid or gas
- "Sleazy": shabby, dirty and vulgar; often associated with prostitutes
- "Gobble": *from here -- to swallow or eat hastily or hungrily in large pieces
- "Boggle": a fabulous game involving cube like things and an hour glass and a plastic grid. the point is to find words.
- "Blurry": *from here -- blurred; indistinct
- "Fluffy": used to describe a scene in a fanfiction that could be considered an 'awww' moment; an overused name for cats with lots of soft fur.
- "Yak": *from here -- a large, stocky, shaggy-haired wild ox
- "Frumpy": a female with lack of concern for appearance
If you doubt that any of these words are fun to say, go back through and say them out loud. Go ahead; I'll wait...
When you are now fully satisfied that these are my opinions of fun words, feel free to leave your own (and it's definition) in the comments...
Thursday, April 7, 2011
once again...
I find myself sitting at the Barnes and Noble Cafe (that serves Starbucks), enjoying a black tea lemonade (I highly recommend it).
Today was a little rough. I texted Daddy last night and he said that he went to his first "group hug session" since Chris died. I am proud of him for going, because I know that he is not the type of person who believes that sometimes people just need help; he is the type of person who wants to do everything on his own and will use counseling as a last resort. I'm proud to be his daughter, despite his own issues. Nobody is perfect, but he does what he can. Anywho, I was talking to him earlier this afternoon and I asked him how the session went. He replied with "Ok I suppose..." I told him that I was scared of going to my own group therapy session with Grandma/Grandpa, Aunt L, Aunt R, and E. The Hope and Healing Place here has been moving excruciatingly slow and I am getting tired of being patient with them. Aunt L feels the same way, I know she does. When I told Daddy that I was scared to go and why, he told me that he thought that it was a good idea to try it anyway. I was going to try it anyway. We also talked about how I handled things when I first found out on that horrible February morning.
He didn't know that I had written Chris a letter a few days later. He had no idea that I burned it so that it stayed strictly between me and Chris. He didn't know that I still write him, more now than ever. My letters to him is my own on-going conversation with my dead uncle. Sometimes, I feel silly writing them because I know that he is never going to read them. If someone where to pick up the spiral that I keep them all in (except for that first one, obviously), then I am sure they would think that I am certifiably insane. I talk to Chris in my letters as if I am sitting right next to him, just carrying on a conversation. I know that people deal with grief in their own way, but I feel like I'm doing something wrong. I think that part of the reason I am scared of the Hope and Healing Place is because they will tell me that it is unhealthy for me to continue writing to Chris. That is actually a really big fear of mine. What will I do if they tell me that I should stop?? Writing is my outlet. It's how I am able to keep some sense of normalcy in this crazy world of mine.
Yes, I do have a few people that I can talk to and not worry as much about what they think about me/what I say/feel. But what happens when they get tired of listening to me talk?? What happens when they get tired of me just breaking down and crying with no prior notice about Chris?? How will I deal with the pressure and feelings then?? People have always told me that they will be here for me, but I know that one day, I'll keep talking even 5 minutes longer than what they want to listen to, and then they'll gradually hate listening. It may be a slower process, or it may happen pretty quickly after that extended period of time; but it will happen. What then??
I haven't written to Chris yet today. And I didn't do it yesterday either. I need to do it. I guess it's a good thing that I have my Chris spiral with me and a pen. I think that letters like that should be handwritten. Plus, I like handwriting things...
Today was a little rough. I texted Daddy last night and he said that he went to his first "group hug session" since Chris died. I am proud of him for going, because I know that he is not the type of person who believes that sometimes people just need help; he is the type of person who wants to do everything on his own and will use counseling as a last resort. I'm proud to be his daughter, despite his own issues. Nobody is perfect, but he does what he can. Anywho, I was talking to him earlier this afternoon and I asked him how the session went. He replied with "Ok I suppose..." I told him that I was scared of going to my own group therapy session with Grandma/Grandpa, Aunt L, Aunt R, and E. The Hope and Healing Place here has been moving excruciatingly slow and I am getting tired of being patient with them. Aunt L feels the same way, I know she does. When I told Daddy that I was scared to go and why, he told me that he thought that it was a good idea to try it anyway. I was going to try it anyway. We also talked about how I handled things when I first found out on that horrible February morning.
He didn't know that I had written Chris a letter a few days later. He had no idea that I burned it so that it stayed strictly between me and Chris. He didn't know that I still write him, more now than ever. My letters to him is my own on-going conversation with my dead uncle. Sometimes, I feel silly writing them because I know that he is never going to read them. If someone where to pick up the spiral that I keep them all in (except for that first one, obviously), then I am sure they would think that I am certifiably insane. I talk to Chris in my letters as if I am sitting right next to him, just carrying on a conversation. I know that people deal with grief in their own way, but I feel like I'm doing something wrong. I think that part of the reason I am scared of the Hope and Healing Place is because they will tell me that it is unhealthy for me to continue writing to Chris. That is actually a really big fear of mine. What will I do if they tell me that I should stop?? Writing is my outlet. It's how I am able to keep some sense of normalcy in this crazy world of mine.
Yes, I do have a few people that I can talk to and not worry as much about what they think about me/what I say/feel. But what happens when they get tired of listening to me talk?? What happens when they get tired of me just breaking down and crying with no prior notice about Chris?? How will I deal with the pressure and feelings then?? People have always told me that they will be here for me, but I know that one day, I'll keep talking even 5 minutes longer than what they want to listen to, and then they'll gradually hate listening. It may be a slower process, or it may happen pretty quickly after that extended period of time; but it will happen. What then??
I haven't written to Chris yet today. And I didn't do it yesterday either. I need to do it. I guess it's a good thing that I have my Chris spiral with me and a pen. I think that letters like that should be handwritten. Plus, I like handwriting things...
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Do you know what's awesome?!
I have been looking for a job, and I found it. Awesome!!
I'm in a fantastic relationship with a loving, wonderful man. Awesome!!
I found free wifi close to the apartment. Awesome!!
These last few weeks, I've had a really hard time dealing with the suicide of Chris and "taking a break" from school. I have had my issues with depression and feelings of isolation and abandonment even. I've had to learn how to deal with all of these emotions at once and simultaneously being cautious of the feelings of the family around me. I have been super sensitive to Aunt L's feelings about Chris.
Just recently, I've really come to realize how important it is that I have my people. I was talking to Aunt L last night and it surprised me how people surprise me. Does that make any sense?! The friends that I knew would "be there" for me after Chris died and with the stuff surrounding that, weren't. Other friends really stepped up and surprised me by just listening to me. A select few have been there for me at all times of the day and night when I just needed a reassuring text or encouraging phone call. A lot of times, they didn't know what to say or what to do to make things okay again. In a situation like this, there is nothing that can be done or said to make things better. I've told them this, but they still want to help. They still wish good things for me. That is more than any of my other "friends" have done.
Even some of my family hasn't been there. I still can't talk to Daddy about it. It's almost as if Chris never shot himself. But he did. We all know it. We can't change it or fix it. It just happened.
Special thanks goes out to Brian. He has listened to me cry over Chris (and other random stuff) several times and hasn't been afraid of my feelings and what I've said.
Another special thank you goes to Melissa. We have both needed friends here lately, and I'm proud to call her my best friend. She and I know what it's like to feel isolated and alone in a town that we don't necessarily call "home".
And of course, there is Jason. We dated for a while and to be honest, I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to have a friendship after the breakup. Through lots of determination on his part (I for sure ignored him on more than one occasion), and some forgiveness on mine, we have made it work. He and I are best friends too!!
To those "friends" who talked the talk, but didn't (or wouldn't) walk the walk, I'm doing just fine. Thanks for asking. Hope your lives are better without me, because to be honest, I'm not sure I want to be back in yours. Yes, it was fun while we hung out, and you will always be a friend, but there is a reason the people from your past very rarely show up in your present or future.
And to Arturo. I don't even know what to say. I knew you would be there to help me through this time of change and uncertainty and you weren't.
I'm in a fantastic relationship with a loving, wonderful man. Awesome!!
I found free wifi close to the apartment. Awesome!!
These last few weeks, I've had a really hard time dealing with the suicide of Chris and "taking a break" from school. I have had my issues with depression and feelings of isolation and abandonment even. I've had to learn how to deal with all of these emotions at once and simultaneously being cautious of the feelings of the family around me. I have been super sensitive to Aunt L's feelings about Chris.
Just recently, I've really come to realize how important it is that I have my people. I was talking to Aunt L last night and it surprised me how people surprise me. Does that make any sense?! The friends that I knew would "be there" for me after Chris died and with the stuff surrounding that, weren't. Other friends really stepped up and surprised me by just listening to me. A select few have been there for me at all times of the day and night when I just needed a reassuring text or encouraging phone call. A lot of times, they didn't know what to say or what to do to make things okay again. In a situation like this, there is nothing that can be done or said to make things better. I've told them this, but they still want to help. They still wish good things for me. That is more than any of my other "friends" have done.
Even some of my family hasn't been there. I still can't talk to Daddy about it. It's almost as if Chris never shot himself. But he did. We all know it. We can't change it or fix it. It just happened.
Special thanks goes out to Brian. He has listened to me cry over Chris (and other random stuff) several times and hasn't been afraid of my feelings and what I've said.
Another special thank you goes to Melissa. We have both needed friends here lately, and I'm proud to call her my best friend. She and I know what it's like to feel isolated and alone in a town that we don't necessarily call "home".
And of course, there is Jason. We dated for a while and to be honest, I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to have a friendship after the breakup. Through lots of determination on his part (I for sure ignored him on more than one occasion), and some forgiveness on mine, we have made it work. He and I are best friends too!!
To those "friends" who talked the talk, but didn't (or wouldn't) walk the walk, I'm doing just fine. Thanks for asking. Hope your lives are better without me, because to be honest, I'm not sure I want to be back in yours. Yes, it was fun while we hung out, and you will always be a friend, but there is a reason the people from your past very rarely show up in your present or future.
And to Arturo. I don't even know what to say. I knew you would be there to help me through this time of change and uncertainty and you weren't.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
This crazy, beautiful life I love
Things have been super crazy, in a good way of course, lately.
I got the job at Michael's. I start work tomorrow morning.
I've met some of Aunt L's friends this week. And I've realized that she may be drinking a little more than is healthy for anyone...that's another story.
Bea (the little puppy) has been terrorizing everything she can fit her mouth around...including L's Chi flatiron. Anybody who knows hair products know that a Chi isn't cheap. L wasn't too thrilled about Bea chomping down on that...
I finally got my library card!!! I was super excited!!
I've been really bad at blogging lately. I hate not having a constant internet connection, but I do what I can!!
<3
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
I GOT THE JOB!!!!!
I got a phone call this morning while Aunt L and I were in a meeting (more about that later...) and was offered the job at Michael's!!! I start on Sunday morning at 11 AM!! I'm so excited.
So the meeting this morning was getting background info on the family and the family structure with Chris and all that. Roy (the dude we talked to) told us that the family program that they have doesn't start until August and it is four and a half months long, so we can't do a whole lot with the Hope and Healing Place until then. But they did say that they are going to be open to us to use and would like it if we came to them. They are all about safety of the "clients". They wanted to make the rooms inviting and safe for everyone who walked in the door. They are also really big on confidentiality, which if they weren't I'd have a lot more negative things to say about them. I know that I need some private, one-on-one counseling, but I am really reluctant to do group therapy. I've never had good experiences in group therapy. I know that it is family, but that just makes it even more daunting. I know that I would hide what I'm really thinking and feeling just to try to somehow protect them. I'm not sure why this is a big deal to me to try to do that. I mean, we are here because we don't know how to communicate and feel free to do so. It's going to take some time for all of us to get comfortable and used to the idea of talking without reservation about Chris.
I got to talk to my Daddy today. He asked how everybody was doing since Chris died. He didn't really ask about me, but I think that it is because he knew that I was driving during our phone call and it wouldn't have been a good idea for me to start crying. He is really worried about Grandma and Ethan. We all are. Especially about Grandma. Grandma and Chris had a super strong, very special relationship that can't be topped.
It's been a good day!!
So the meeting this morning was getting background info on the family and the family structure with Chris and all that. Roy (the dude we talked to) told us that the family program that they have doesn't start until August and it is four and a half months long, so we can't do a whole lot with the Hope and Healing Place until then. But they did say that they are going to be open to us to use and would like it if we came to them. They are all about safety of the "clients". They wanted to make the rooms inviting and safe for everyone who walked in the door. They are also really big on confidentiality, which if they weren't I'd have a lot more negative things to say about them. I know that I need some private, one-on-one counseling, but I am really reluctant to do group therapy. I've never had good experiences in group therapy. I know that it is family, but that just makes it even more daunting. I know that I would hide what I'm really thinking and feeling just to try to somehow protect them. I'm not sure why this is a big deal to me to try to do that. I mean, we are here because we don't know how to communicate and feel free to do so. It's going to take some time for all of us to get comfortable and used to the idea of talking without reservation about Chris.
I got to talk to my Daddy today. He asked how everybody was doing since Chris died. He didn't really ask about me, but I think that it is because he knew that I was driving during our phone call and it wouldn't have been a good idea for me to start crying. He is really worried about Grandma and Ethan. We all are. Especially about Grandma. Grandma and Chris had a super strong, very special relationship that can't be topped.
It's been a good day!!
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Michael's
Thursday afternoon, I got a phone call from Joanna at Michael's craft store and she asked me for an interview. The interview was scheduled for Friday afternoon and I'm pretty sure that I got the job. I was feeling pretty confident about the interview after Joanna and I were done, and apparently she felt the same way. The store manager, Greg, bumped back another interview/appointment in order to complete mine first!! That can only be a good sign, right?! And they talked about doing background checks, so I'm definitely in the running for this job!! I'm so excited that I might actually be getting a paycheck soon again!! I definitely need it...
In other news...there really isn't much other news. Except I've been consuming greater quantities of Dr. Pepper and hot dogs. This is because at virtually every corner, there is a gas station that has 44 oz. cups and Dr. Pepper at the fountain. All of it for 79 cents. Yeah, I've had a Dr. Pepper every day for the last week and a half. And the hot dogs...well, there is a REALLY GOOD hot dog stand downtown, on Polk Street. OMG. Their "Downtown Dog" is to die for. Plump juicy hot dog, covered in jalepeno chili, onions, and cheese. It is quite literally, in explosion of wonderful in your mouth. :) It's that good. The down side is that they are only open M-F for lunch and Fri & Sat nights from 9pm to 2:30am.
In other news...there really isn't much other news. Except I've been consuming greater quantities of Dr. Pepper and hot dogs. This is because at virtually every corner, there is a gas station that has 44 oz. cups and Dr. Pepper at the fountain. All of it for 79 cents. Yeah, I've had a Dr. Pepper every day for the last week and a half. And the hot dogs...well, there is a REALLY GOOD hot dog stand downtown, on Polk Street. OMG. Their "Downtown Dog" is to die for. Plump juicy hot dog, covered in jalepeno chili, onions, and cheese. It is quite literally, in explosion of wonderful in your mouth. :) It's that good. The down side is that they are only open M-F for lunch and Fri & Sat nights from 9pm to 2:30am.
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