Happy Mommy's Day

This weekend was so much fun! I loved getting to see my family again! The last time I saw most of them was back in July of last year for Grandpa's retirement party. On Friday, Aunt J and Uncle E came and met us in OKC to take out to the lake, which was extremely nice of them! I loved getting to go on that mini road trip with them and catching up without all of the chaos of the rest of the family. On Friday night, after the rest of the family got there, Aunt R, Aunt L, Grandma, and I took a walk around the camp and found the lake. We took some pictures on the beach and had some crazy ones, I'm sure!

Then on Saturday, we spent the day hiking, fishing, swimming, and just some general hanging out. Saturday night, we had a campfire and that was pretty fun! I was really proud of A for getting up and singing 2 songs a capella in front of people he had only known for 24 hours! He had a great time! And Ms. Em had a great time, too! She loved getting to play with my sisters and female cousins! All of the kids had a great time! Daddy made me cry during the campfire, but it was a good cry, so it wasn't all bad! On Sunday after a breakfast of omelets in a bag, we packed up the entire cabin and campsite and checked out to head home. Shareen brought me and the kids back to OKC to meet Brian again, and then we all came home and crashed. We were all in bed no later than 9:30 last night. Brian had been moved to days at work, and he didn't get very much sleep.

We also found out last week that we are able to move next month! Which means that starting on June 15, I will be spending most of my time ripping up carpet and painting walls until our wedding on the 23rd. Then, the kids will go to their mom's in Arkansas on the 24th, and we will move in as soon as we can! I might be more than a little crazy moving and getting married all in the same 2 weeks, but things just kind of fell into place that way! I am so excited about all of it!

Camping this weekend help me realize a few things. One of the major ones is that I can finally read a book. Now, I've known how to read since I was little, but the last time I talked to Chris, he suggested that I read "The Grapes of Wrath" by John Steinbeck. He even tried to give me his copy of it. Well, it has now been over a year since he took his life and I am finally okay with reading this particular book. Thinking about reading the book and finishing it used to scare me. I used to think, "What is going to happen when I get done with the book? Will Chris no longer be a part of me?" Completely irrational thoughts, right? Well, that's what happens when you are grieving the suicide death of some one that you love. You don't always have completely sound thoughts. So, fast forward to where we are now. I have come to realize that just because he is gone and suggested this book doesn't mean that at the end of the book, the world will end. My life will keep going, I will keep healing, and I will get stronger. It has taken me over a year to realize this. Suicide grief is so hard to deal with. I never thought that anything I did would be this hard, both mentally and physically. I have never been in so much physical pain as I was in the first month after his death. The mental battle that I deal with every single day is so draining, and there are some days when I just have to tell Brian that I don't want to talk about something and I don't want to deal with anything, that he will have to do it. He is very good about offering me the support I need and taking care of the things that need done when I am out of commission, so to speak. I am a much stronger person now than I was back in September when I first started going to my SOS meetings. I love my group. We are a family, bound together by the common thread of suicide.

I am still pretty tired from the camp out, and my entire family has been in bed for an hour and a half. It is too quiet in the house and I'm fixing to crash, so I will say goodnight to you all now.

But before I go, I just want to say that it is an honor to write for you. I'm hoping and praying that as my page views increase that I touch the life of just one person. I only have 4 followers, as of last count, but you mean so much to me. It isn't easy, this life that I chose to lead, but it is worth every tear, every mental battle, every late night and early morning. I wouldn't trade in my family or close friends for anything, and I hope that they know that. If losing Chris so suddenly and tragically taught me one thing, it would be to not take for granted the people that you have in your life. The people that chose to stay, even when the going gets tough, are the ones that really show you that you are loved, and you are not alone, and you are worth it. If it weren't for Brian, my support group, my family, and a handful of friends, I would not be the same person that I am. I am so blessed by all that God has given me.

In Loving Memory

In memory of a life so beautifully lived, a heart so deeply loved 

There is a memory candle that gets lit every week at my support group, and this is what the candle holder says. I think that it is fitting, considering the last week.

Yesterday morning, I found out that my great-uncle Field had passed away of a heart attack on Monday night. Please, be with my family as we celebrate the life he lived. We are honored to be related to this wonderful man, who loved his family and God more than anything else. It is sad for us, but we all know without a doubt that he is celebrating Holy Week and Easter in Heaven with the Lord of Lords, and he is so happy about it!

Brian and I are working on our family trees, to combine them for the wedding. I needed some information about my great grandmother, so I dug back into my Senior Scrapbook from high school and found what I was looking for. In her funeral paper thing (I really have no idea what it's called, but it is the paper that they give you that tells you a little bit about the deceased person's life, like her birthday), there was a poem that was printed on it. I wanted to take a moment and share it with you:

I AM FREE

Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free. 

I am following the path God laid for me. 

I took His hand when I heard Him call, 

I turned my back and left it all.

I could not stay another day, to laugh, 

to love, to work or play.

Tasks undone must stay that way.

I found that peace at the close of the day.

If my parting has left a void, then fill it

with remembered joy.

A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss, 

ah, these things I too, will miss. 

Be not burdened with time of sorrow,

I wish for you the sunshine of tomorrow.

My life's been full, I savored much,

good friends, good times, a loved one touched.

Perhaps my time seemed all too brief,

Don't lengthen it now with undue grief.

Lift up your hearts and share with me,

God wanted me now, He set me free.

With all the two deaths of family members that we have survived these last few days, I have to remember that we are not crying for them. They are no longer in pain, they aren't hurting or sick anymore. We are crying for us. AND IT'S OKAY. Crying is one of the most healing things that you can do, so if it helps you to cry, then please cry!! 

The Circle of Life

On Sunday, March 25, 2012, Brian's sister and her husband welcomed their 3rd child into the world! Mike is a beautiful, healthy baby boy. He was 7 pounds, 3 ounces and 19.5 inches long. We are so excited to have another super little one around!! He's so adorable!!

On Friday, March 30, 2012, Brian's Gradad (his grandpa) passed away at 9:39 am of cancer. He lived a long, full life, spent serving his country in World War II and creating a wonderful family with his wife.

The kids left for school on the bus at about 7:30 that  morning, and Brian and I were trying to become fully awake when we get a phone call from Nana saying that Grandad is in the hospital and he isn't expected to make it the rest of the day. We stay at home long enough to wake up a little more, shower, run by the library, and get the kids from school before we drive down to Moore to say goodbye to Grandad. We explain to the kids on the way what is going on, and because they are so young, they don't really understand all of it. We are about halfway to Moore when we get another phone call on my cell saying that Grandad had passed away. Because Brian was driving, I answer the phone, and was told to tell him the news. It's one of the hardest things I've ever had to say to him. We had expected this for a while, but it still hurts.
Throughout the course of the day, we had family who had to go back to work that afternoon, and the kids were really bored, so we sent them back home with Aunt K. Most of the extended family leaves, but say that they will be back later that night. We have to meet at the funeral home to finalize arrangements at 2:30, and while we are killing time waiting on that to happen, conversation turns to some OK government official, mayor, I think. It gets brought up that his son shot himself and it becomes a focal point of the conversation. Brian looks over at me and asks me, "Are you okay, sweetie?" By him asking that, immediately, I'm not okay. I would have been a little upset but able to hide it if he hadn't asked me. So, I start crying and I'm hurting. It then has to be explained to everyone else in the room why I'm so upset at a general conversation about a man's suicide. Everybody apologized a lot, and I told them that I was okay, and that its just one of those things that is going to happen from time to time. I would rather this conversation happen with family than with strangers who don't care if they upset me. The rest of the day, however, I don't stop thinking about Chris. I can't help it. Grandad's funeral on Monday will be the first funeral that I've been to since Chris' in 2011.
At 2:30, when we go to the funeral home, we walk in the door of the lobby and immediately, I'm back in that place, mentally, where I was when I helped with Chris' arrangements. Almost everybody goes back into the back office when it's time, and they invite me to come with them. I decide to stay in the lobby. I don't want to go back in there. Part of it was out of respect. They all knew Grandad way more than I ever did, but part of it was selfish reasons. I didn't want to be put in the same position of helping make different decisions about something I was not ready to make.

Yesterday was such a long day. This whole week has been really long. Brian has gone to OKC every day this week, and he is exhausted. Then he losses his grandfather. Thankfully, he got yesterday off of work to spend time with the family.

I'm sad. We will need one less boutonniere at our wedding, and one more little silver candle of remembrance. We will cherish the memories that we had of our lost loved ones. We will always remember the love that was shared between us. We will continue to welcome new life into our family.

"You've just had some bad luck lately"

I talked to my Aunt L today. I love talking to her.
I wish I had talked to Brian today. I love talking to him too.

I got an email today from Brian that left me with the impression that I won't be able to see him over Spring Break after all. His ex wife is pulling some dumb blonde (no offense to my blonde readers) moves and can't (in my opinion, won't) get the kids. She hasn't seen them in almost a month now and Brian is furious and surprised at her actions. I can't say that I'm surprised. I kind of saw this coming. It hasn't been the first time she has messed up plans between me and Brian, and I know that it won't be the last. I'm still not sure whether or not I'll get to go on break for Spring Break. I need to get away from the kids, out of the house, out of Texas for a little while. I miss my friends (the few that I have now, anyway). I miss having my own life where I don't have to worry about where the baby is, who is cooking dinner tonight, and whose turn it is for the bathtub. I'm not a parent yet. I wasn't born to be a live-in babysitter for my parents.

In the last 2 days, we found out that another 2 friends of the family passed away. They both passed away in their sleep. One of them was younger than 30 and was best friends with Aunt J. She is really torn up about it. The other one was in B.A.C.A. (Bikers Against Child Abuse; an organization of bikers who defended innocent children from abusive situations; for more info, click here) with mom and dad. I didn't know either of these men personally, but what bothers me so much is the fact that their deaths are just more stressors for my immediate family.

I'm tired and I need to look up places to get grief counseling (either online or some where close to home) that is free. Any suggestions from anybody is greatly appreciated. Any kind words would be great too, just as an assurance that somebody, somewhere is actually interested in what I have to say, even if it is mundane.