This weekend was so much fun! I loved getting to see my family again! The last time I saw most of them was back in July of last year for Grandpa's retirement party. On Friday, Aunt J and Uncle E came and met us in OKC to take out to the lake, which was extremely nice of them! I loved getting to go on that mini road trip with them and catching up without all of the chaos of the rest of the family. On Friday night, after the rest of the family got there, Aunt R, Aunt L, Grandma, and I took a walk around the camp and found the lake. We took some pictures on the beach and had some crazy ones, I'm sure!
Then on Saturday, we spent the day hiking, fishing, swimming, and just some general hanging out. Saturday night, we had a campfire and that was pretty fun! I was really proud of A for getting up and singing 2 songs a capella in front of people he had only known for 24 hours! He had a great time! And Ms. Em had a great time, too! She loved getting to play with my sisters and female cousins! All of the kids had a great time! Daddy made me cry during the campfire, but it was a good cry, so it wasn't all bad! On Sunday after a breakfast of omelets in a bag, we packed up the entire cabin and campsite and checked out to head home. Shareen brought me and the kids back to OKC to meet Brian again, and then we all came home and crashed. We were all in bed no later than 9:30 last night. Brian had been moved to days at work, and he didn't get very much sleep.
We also found out last week that we are able to move next month! Which means that starting on June 15, I will be spending most of my time ripping up carpet and painting walls until our wedding on the 23rd. Then, the kids will go to their mom's in Arkansas on the 24th, and we will move in as soon as we can! I might be more than a little crazy moving and getting married all in the same 2 weeks, but things just kind of fell into place that way! I am so excited about all of it!
Camping this weekend help me realize a few things. One of the major ones is that I can finally read a book. Now, I've known how to read since I was little, but the last time I talked to Chris, he suggested that I read "The Grapes of Wrath" by John Steinbeck. He even tried to give me his copy of it. Well, it has now been over a year since he took his life and I am finally okay with reading this particular book. Thinking about reading the book and finishing it used to scare me. I used to think, "What is going to happen when I get done with the book? Will Chris no longer be a part of me?" Completely irrational thoughts, right? Well, that's what happens when you are grieving the suicide death of some one that you love. You don't always have completely sound thoughts. So, fast forward to where we are now. I have come to realize that just because he is gone and suggested this book doesn't mean that at the end of the book, the world will end. My life will keep going, I will keep healing, and I will get stronger. It has taken me over a year to realize this. Suicide grief is so hard to deal with. I never thought that anything I did would be this hard, both mentally and physically. I have never been in so much physical pain as I was in the first month after his death. The mental battle that I deal with every single day is so draining, and there are some days when I just have to tell Brian that I don't want to talk about something and I don't want to deal with anything, that he will have to do it. He is very good about offering me the support I need and taking care of the things that need done when I am out of commission, so to speak. I am a much stronger person now than I was back in September when I first started going to my SOS meetings. I love my group. We are a family, bound together by the common thread of suicide.
I am still pretty tired from the camp out, and my entire family has been in bed for an hour and a half. It is too quiet in the house and I'm fixing to crash, so I will say goodnight to you all now.
But before I go, I just want to say that it is an honor to write for you. I'm hoping and praying that as my page views increase that I touch the life of just one person. I only have 4 followers, as of last count, but you mean so much to me. It isn't easy, this life that I chose to lead, but it is worth every tear, every mental battle, every late night and early morning. I wouldn't trade in my family or close friends for anything, and I hope that they know that. If losing Chris so suddenly and tragically taught me one thing, it would be to not take for granted the people that you have in your life. The people that chose to stay, even when the going gets tough, are the ones that really show you that you are loved, and you are not alone, and you are worth it. If it weren't for Brian, my support group, my family, and a handful of friends, I would not be the same person that I am. I am so blessed by all that God has given me.
Showing posts with label suicide. Show all posts
Showing posts with label suicide. Show all posts
Monday, May 14, 2012
Saturday, March 31, 2012
The Circle of Life
On Sunday, March 25, 2012, Brian's sister and her husband welcomed their 3rd child into the world! Mike is a beautiful, healthy baby boy. He was 7 pounds, 3 ounces and 19.5 inches long. We are so excited to have another super little one around!! He's so adorable!!
On Friday, March 30, 2012, Brian's Gradad (his grandpa) passed away at 9:39 am of cancer. He lived a long, full life, spent serving his country in World War II and creating a wonderful family with his wife.
The kids left for school on the bus at about 7:30 that morning, and Brian and I were trying to become fully awake when we get a phone call from Nana saying that Grandad is in the hospital and he isn't expected to make it the rest of the day. We stay at home long enough to wake up a little more, shower, run by the library, and get the kids from school before we drive down to Moore to say goodbye to Grandad. We explain to the kids on the way what is going on, and because they are so young, they don't really understand all of it. We are about halfway to Moore when we get another phone call on my cell saying that Grandad had passed away. Because Brian was driving, I answer the phone, and was told to tell him the news. It's one of the hardest things I've ever had to say to him. We had expected this for a while, but it still hurts.
Throughout the course of the day, we had family who had to go back to work that afternoon, and the kids were really bored, so we sent them back home with Aunt K. Most of the extended family leaves, but say that they will be back later that night. We have to meet at the funeral home to finalize arrangements at 2:30, and while we are killing time waiting on that to happen, conversation turns to some OK government official, mayor, I think. It gets brought up that his son shot himself and it becomes a focal point of the conversation. Brian looks over at me and asks me, "Are you okay, sweetie?" By him asking that, immediately, I'm not okay. I would have been a little upset but able to hide it if he hadn't asked me. So, I start crying and I'm hurting. It then has to be explained to everyone else in the room why I'm so upset at a general conversation about a man's suicide. Everybody apologized a lot, and I told them that I was okay, and that its just one of those things that is going to happen from time to time. I would rather this conversation happen with family than with strangers who don't care if they upset me. The rest of the day, however, I don't stop thinking about Chris. I can't help it. Grandad's funeral on Monday will be the first funeral that I've been to since Chris' in 2011.
At 2:30, when we go to the funeral home, we walk in the door of the lobby and immediately, I'm back in that place, mentally, where I was when I helped with Chris' arrangements. Almost everybody goes back into the back office when it's time, and they invite me to come with them. I decide to stay in the lobby. I don't want to go back in there. Part of it was out of respect. They all knew Grandad way more than I ever did, but part of it was selfish reasons. I didn't want to be put in the same position of helping make different decisions about something I was not ready to make.
Yesterday was such a long day. This whole week has been really long. Brian has gone to OKC every day this week, and he is exhausted. Then he losses his grandfather. Thankfully, he got yesterday off of work to spend time with the family.
I'm sad. We will need one less boutonniere at our wedding, and one more little silver candle of remembrance. We will cherish the memories that we had of our lost loved ones. We will always remember the love that was shared between us. We will continue to welcome new life into our family.
On Friday, March 30, 2012, Brian's Gradad (his grandpa) passed away at 9:39 am of cancer. He lived a long, full life, spent serving his country in World War II and creating a wonderful family with his wife.
The kids left for school on the bus at about 7:30 that morning, and Brian and I were trying to become fully awake when we get a phone call from Nana saying that Grandad is in the hospital and he isn't expected to make it the rest of the day. We stay at home long enough to wake up a little more, shower, run by the library, and get the kids from school before we drive down to Moore to say goodbye to Grandad. We explain to the kids on the way what is going on, and because they are so young, they don't really understand all of it. We are about halfway to Moore when we get another phone call on my cell saying that Grandad had passed away. Because Brian was driving, I answer the phone, and was told to tell him the news. It's one of the hardest things I've ever had to say to him. We had expected this for a while, but it still hurts.
Throughout the course of the day, we had family who had to go back to work that afternoon, and the kids were really bored, so we sent them back home with Aunt K. Most of the extended family leaves, but say that they will be back later that night. We have to meet at the funeral home to finalize arrangements at 2:30, and while we are killing time waiting on that to happen, conversation turns to some OK government official, mayor, I think. It gets brought up that his son shot himself and it becomes a focal point of the conversation. Brian looks over at me and asks me, "Are you okay, sweetie?" By him asking that, immediately, I'm not okay. I would have been a little upset but able to hide it if he hadn't asked me. So, I start crying and I'm hurting. It then has to be explained to everyone else in the room why I'm so upset at a general conversation about a man's suicide. Everybody apologized a lot, and I told them that I was okay, and that its just one of those things that is going to happen from time to time. I would rather this conversation happen with family than with strangers who don't care if they upset me. The rest of the day, however, I don't stop thinking about Chris. I can't help it. Grandad's funeral on Monday will be the first funeral that I've been to since Chris' in 2011.
At 2:30, when we go to the funeral home, we walk in the door of the lobby and immediately, I'm back in that place, mentally, where I was when I helped with Chris' arrangements. Almost everybody goes back into the back office when it's time, and they invite me to come with them. I decide to stay in the lobby. I don't want to go back in there. Part of it was out of respect. They all knew Grandad way more than I ever did, but part of it was selfish reasons. I didn't want to be put in the same position of helping make different decisions about something I was not ready to make.
Yesterday was such a long day. This whole week has been really long. Brian has gone to OKC every day this week, and he is exhausted. Then he losses his grandfather. Thankfully, he got yesterday off of work to spend time with the family.
I'm sad. We will need one less boutonniere at our wedding, and one more little silver candle of remembrance. We will cherish the memories that we had of our lost loved ones. We will always remember the love that was shared between us. We will continue to welcome new life into our family.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Change is a good thing, right?
I have finally moved. I am out of my Dad's house and semi on my own. I am still looking for a job, but I have sent out many many applications and I'm hoping that a few of them call me back soon. I'm waiting on mail to come in so that I can get a library card and start using that resource.
Brian and I are doing fantastically well. We still haven't seen each other and I'm pretty upset that our plans fell through for Spring Break, but I know that his ex will do things like this from time to time and really try to push my buttons, especially after she realizes that Brian has other plans and is over her. That's just the kind of person she is. I'm so excited to meet his family and I know that every day, he loves me more. I love him more and more. I am so excited for our future. We have really gotten closer here lately. He has been very patient with me, especially when I am dealing with my bad days; similar to today...
The last few days, I have been mentally and emotionally exhausted. I go from Daddy's house where talking about Chris was completely unheard of to Grandma, Grandpa, Aunt L and Aunt R who truly knew Chris. They (now "we") talk about him all the time. All of the emotions that I'm feeling are happening for the very first time. I have been reading a book, titled After Suicide from Mardel, and I have been kind of frustrated with it. They keep saying things like "almost everybody feels...you may feel...you may think". I don't fit into most of those categories. Actually, I only fit into one. I got really mad at him when I found out about it. I am going to join the rest of the family at group therapy once that gets started. I'm curious to see how everybody else is feeling and how they are dealing with their emotions. Time heals most of this, so I guess I'll have to be patient.
I'm glad that I have someone who is understanding and who is willing to help me through all of this.
Brian and I are doing fantastically well. We still haven't seen each other and I'm pretty upset that our plans fell through for Spring Break, but I know that his ex will do things like this from time to time and really try to push my buttons, especially after she realizes that Brian has other plans and is over her. That's just the kind of person she is. I'm so excited to meet his family and I know that every day, he loves me more. I love him more and more. I am so excited for our future. We have really gotten closer here lately. He has been very patient with me, especially when I am dealing with my bad days; similar to today...
The last few days, I have been mentally and emotionally exhausted. I go from Daddy's house where talking about Chris was completely unheard of to Grandma, Grandpa, Aunt L and Aunt R who truly knew Chris. They (now "we") talk about him all the time. All of the emotions that I'm feeling are happening for the very first time. I have been reading a book, titled After Suicide from Mardel, and I have been kind of frustrated with it. They keep saying things like "almost everybody feels...you may feel...you may think". I don't fit into most of those categories. Actually, I only fit into one. I got really mad at him when I found out about it. I am going to join the rest of the family at group therapy once that gets started. I'm curious to see how everybody else is feeling and how they are dealing with their emotions. Time heals most of this, so I guess I'll have to be patient.
I'm glad that I have someone who is understanding and who is willing to help me through all of this.
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