Happy Mommy's Day

This weekend was so much fun! I loved getting to see my family again! The last time I saw most of them was back in July of last year for Grandpa's retirement party. On Friday, Aunt J and Uncle E came and met us in OKC to take out to the lake, which was extremely nice of them! I loved getting to go on that mini road trip with them and catching up without all of the chaos of the rest of the family. On Friday night, after the rest of the family got there, Aunt R, Aunt L, Grandma, and I took a walk around the camp and found the lake. We took some pictures on the beach and had some crazy ones, I'm sure!

Then on Saturday, we spent the day hiking, fishing, swimming, and just some general hanging out. Saturday night, we had a campfire and that was pretty fun! I was really proud of A for getting up and singing 2 songs a capella in front of people he had only known for 24 hours! He had a great time! And Ms. Em had a great time, too! She loved getting to play with my sisters and female cousins! All of the kids had a great time! Daddy made me cry during the campfire, but it was a good cry, so it wasn't all bad! On Sunday after a breakfast of omelets in a bag, we packed up the entire cabin and campsite and checked out to head home. Shareen brought me and the kids back to OKC to meet Brian again, and then we all came home and crashed. We were all in bed no later than 9:30 last night. Brian had been moved to days at work, and he didn't get very much sleep.

We also found out last week that we are able to move next month! Which means that starting on June 15, I will be spending most of my time ripping up carpet and painting walls until our wedding on the 23rd. Then, the kids will go to their mom's in Arkansas on the 24th, and we will move in as soon as we can! I might be more than a little crazy moving and getting married all in the same 2 weeks, but things just kind of fell into place that way! I am so excited about all of it!

Camping this weekend help me realize a few things. One of the major ones is that I can finally read a book. Now, I've known how to read since I was little, but the last time I talked to Chris, he suggested that I read "The Grapes of Wrath" by John Steinbeck. He even tried to give me his copy of it. Well, it has now been over a year since he took his life and I am finally okay with reading this particular book. Thinking about reading the book and finishing it used to scare me. I used to think, "What is going to happen when I get done with the book? Will Chris no longer be a part of me?" Completely irrational thoughts, right? Well, that's what happens when you are grieving the suicide death of some one that you love. You don't always have completely sound thoughts. So, fast forward to where we are now. I have come to realize that just because he is gone and suggested this book doesn't mean that at the end of the book, the world will end. My life will keep going, I will keep healing, and I will get stronger. It has taken me over a year to realize this. Suicide grief is so hard to deal with. I never thought that anything I did would be this hard, both mentally and physically. I have never been in so much physical pain as I was in the first month after his death. The mental battle that I deal with every single day is so draining, and there are some days when I just have to tell Brian that I don't want to talk about something and I don't want to deal with anything, that he will have to do it. He is very good about offering me the support I need and taking care of the things that need done when I am out of commission, so to speak. I am a much stronger person now than I was back in September when I first started going to my SOS meetings. I love my group. We are a family, bound together by the common thread of suicide.

I am still pretty tired from the camp out, and my entire family has been in bed for an hour and a half. It is too quiet in the house and I'm fixing to crash, so I will say goodnight to you all now.

But before I go, I just want to say that it is an honor to write for you. I'm hoping and praying that as my page views increase that I touch the life of just one person. I only have 4 followers, as of last count, but you mean so much to me. It isn't easy, this life that I chose to lead, but it is worth every tear, every mental battle, every late night and early morning. I wouldn't trade in my family or close friends for anything, and I hope that they know that. If losing Chris so suddenly and tragically taught me one thing, it would be to not take for granted the people that you have in your life. The people that chose to stay, even when the going gets tough, are the ones that really show you that you are loved, and you are not alone, and you are worth it. If it weren't for Brian, my support group, my family, and a handful of friends, I would not be the same person that I am. I am so blessed by all that God has given me.

Do you know what's awesome?!

I have been looking for a job, and I found it. Awesome!!
I'm in a fantastic relationship with a loving, wonderful man. Awesome!!
I found free wifi close to the apartment. Awesome!!

These last few weeks, I've had a really hard time dealing with the suicide of Chris and "taking a break" from school. I have had my issues with depression and feelings of isolation and abandonment even. I've had to learn how to deal with all of these emotions at once and simultaneously being cautious of the feelings of the family around me. I have been super sensitive to Aunt L's feelings about Chris.

Just recently, I've really come to realize how important it is that I have my people. I was talking to Aunt L last night and it surprised me how people surprise me. Does that make any sense?! The friends that I knew would "be there" for me after Chris died and with the stuff surrounding that, weren't. Other friends really stepped up and surprised me by just listening to me. A select few have been there for me at all times of the day and night when I just needed a reassuring text or encouraging phone call. A lot of times, they didn't know what to say or what to do to make things okay again. In a situation like this, there is nothing that can be done or said to make things better. I've told them this, but they still want to help. They still wish good things for me. That is more than any of my other "friends" have done.

Even some of my family hasn't been there. I still can't talk to Daddy about it. It's almost as if Chris never shot himself. But he did. We all know it. We can't change it or fix it. It just happened.

Special thanks goes out to Brian. He has listened to me cry over Chris (and other random stuff) several times and hasn't been afraid of my feelings and what I've said.

Another special thank you goes to Melissa. We have both needed friends here lately, and I'm proud to call her my best friend. She and I know what it's like to feel isolated and alone in a town that we don't necessarily call "home".

And of course, there is Jason. We dated for a while and to be honest, I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to have a friendship after the breakup. Through lots of determination on his part (I for sure ignored him on more than one occasion), and some forgiveness on mine, we have made it work. He and I are best friends too!!

To those "friends" who talked the talk, but didn't (or wouldn't) walk the walk, I'm doing just fine. Thanks for asking. Hope your lives are better without me, because to be honest, I'm not sure I want to be back in yours. Yes, it was fun while we hung out, and you will always be a friend, but there is a reason the people from your past very rarely show up in your present or future.

And to Arturo. I don't even know what to say. I knew you would be there to help me through this time of change and uncertainty and you weren't.